The Chronicle of
Setting: The Blue Boar Tavern in Britain, evening. It is a few weeks since the Avatar returned from Pagan. The giant Guardian head was just a gag set up by Lord British. Dupre's death was also faked. Things plod about as usual in Britannia. In the Blue Boar, eight not-quite-heroes of varrious character classes sit around.
Valk Swadjen the Bard: Alright, I have this really cool story here. Suppose that big Guardian prop of LB's was real? So, anyways, the Avatar returns to Britannia and it's, like, a few decades later. Uh, thirty years! That's it! He, like, sees a vision of Dupre (who's really dead this time, ok?) and Dupre, like, tells the Avatar to find some artifact and bring it back to Stonegate, which is near the hill, ok? (Valk S. continues for quite some time) …so then the Avatar, Dupre, and this Trevor dude find Sentri, who's dying. He, like, tells them that Bordermarch rose from the Great Sea and they're more humans there. Then he croaks, ok? So they, like, bury him and head off to find Bordermarch. And that's the end! Oh yeah, and then they'll be a quote from that guy Julio.
Markadays the Paladin: That sucked. It was stupid and irrelevent. Who'd listen to tripe like that?
Nehsun the Ranger: It was even worse that thing about Turner Dreadful or whatever.
Valk S: But it has so much potential for a sequel! Alright, we'll call it "Book One," ok? And in Book Two, they go to Yew and meet Tseramed and…
Taotah the Fighter: God, shut up! Every night we all sit around here and listen to your stories cuz nothing ever happens. Damn! Can't some evil guy try to kill Lord British or just kidnap him?
Forude the Druid: Nope. You know as well as I do that LB's too busy to waste time in the underworld these days. After Carrocio sued him and then Nell married him, he's actually had to put up with his baby and take some responsibility.
Taotah: Can't he just use the Avatar for everything as usual?
Forude: Nope. He can say "Avatar, save Britannia!" or "Avatar, stop this evil wizard!" but it's rather hard to go "Avatar, potty train my child!" or "Avatar, change the baby's diaper!"
Hanhdah the Tinker: (snaps his fingers) That's it!
Markadays: What is?
Hanhdah: We'll call on the Avatar!
Seytarn the Mage: Why? He's busy feeding his companions and getting high on those mushrooms from Pagan!
Hanhdah: So? It's bound to at least be INTERESTING with him around!
Seytarn: Hmm… Good point. Better than Valk's stories about that guy from Killorn Keep or why LB was really in the Underworld.
Valk S: Hey! Those are works of art!
Seytarn: (sarcasticallly) Of course.
Just outside the Blue Boar. The Avatar is being followed by Dupre, Shamino, and Iolo. He appears glazy-eyed and in a daze.
Iolo: Avatar, I'm hungry!
Avatar: (Completely oblivious to Iolo's statement) Oh yeah, Minax was hot… So was Faulinei, you know? She was really a girl…
Shamino: (To Dupre) You know, it really is so annoying when the Avatar gets high like this. I must eat now, but he won't feed me!
Dupre: Don't worry. I have a trick that always works. (Pours an entire flask of ale on the Avatar's head.)
Avatar: (sputtering) Wh… wh…
Iolo: Avatar, I'm starving! I must eat now!
Avatar's eyes turn bloodshot. He looks at Iolo with absolute hatred.
Avatar: IOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST FED YOU FIVE F#$%ING MINUTES AGO YOU $@%&#%&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Iolo: But, Avatar, I'm hungry again!
Avatar: I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU, PILE OF #&%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU BOTHERED ME WITH YOUR F%$#ING FOOD (note: from this point forward, the Avatar's profanities shall be substituted with words of the same meaning) EVERY (sexual-intercourse)ING SECOND OF MY LAST TWO GOD-(doomed-to-go-to-Christian-hell)ED QUESTS!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN YOU SAID "Is that Virtuous?" WHENEVER I TRIED TO STEAL YOU SOME (sexual-intercourse)ED UP FOOD!!!!!!! AND THEN YOU SHOT ME IN THE BACK WITH THAT (sexual-intercourse)ING CROSSBOW OF YOURS!!!!!!! I'LL TAKE ONE OF YOUR PILE-OF-(excretion) BOLTS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR (anal region)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dupre: Ah, he'll calm down in a few minutes.
Avatar: Ooh, I have a headache. Hey Dupre, got any mushrooms? They always take the pain away. Oh yeah…
Dupre: Uh, sorry, Avatar, but they only come from Pagan, you know. We have to import them at high prices. I don't have any with me.
Dupre: Er, well, besides, Avatar, maybe you should stop taking them. I mean, you become all woozy and when they wear off you always have a head--
The Avatar decapitates Dupre with the Flame Sting. Fire erupts, burning Dupre's body to a crisp.
Avatar: That'll show him. Should've bought it back at Serpent Isle anyways.
They here the not-quite-heroes from within the Blue Boar. The Avatar's attitude changes to benevolent condesencion.
Avatar: Ah! The young folk of Britannia who'll be killing their own evil wizards and sleeping with their own Magelord's Mistresses someday! You two wait out here, I'll talk to them.
Iolo: But Avatar, I'm still--
Shamino slaps Iolo and pervents him from speaking. The Avatar goes into the Blue Boar.
Avatar: Yo, Lucy! Got any'a those mushrooms?
Lucy: Yah mean the ones from Pagan? Nay, our stock's all out. Ye' wouldn't believe how popular they are. Just a few days 'go a tried one myself, and pretty soon they we're all gone!
Avatar: HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kills Lucy with the Flame Sting. Jeanette runs up to the Avatar.
Jeanette: Thanks for the promotion! Now I own the Blue Boar!
Avatar: Sure, babe. Got any' those mushrooms?
Jeanette: Sorry, don't have any stashed away. But I'll see if Charles can get yah a few. He works for Lord British, so he's got a lot of insider details. Boy, they are something! Sometimes we meet out behind the castle and take a few half-dozen apiece, 'long with some other stuff…
Avatar: Mmmm… cool…. Say, babe, 'f I pay you 'few hundred gold, how 'bout lettin' me watch next time you and Charles get together.
Jeanette: You sick jerk! How much?
Avatar: Uh, four hundred?
Jeanette: Six hundred.
Avatar: Six hundred?? Ain't that a bit steep?
Jeanette: Yeah. So?
Avatar: Alright. Six hundred.
Jeanette: Deal. (Avatar intones "Rel Ylem" several times. He then hands Jeanette the money). I'll go tell Charles now, 'kay?
Avatar: Sure, babe. Don't let my companions in on ya' way out.
Jeanette: No prob. I know the back route. (Leaves through the door in the storeroom.)
Avatar: Now then, young friends! I heard thou mentioning me!
Hanhdah: Interesting things always happen when you're around! Already we've seen quite a scene.
Seytarn: So what was with the prostitute/barmaid?
Avatar: Ah, I'll get the money back. Iolo and Shamino will "Is that Virtuous?" her to death.
Valk S: Hey Avatar! I have this great idea for a story about you! Its called "Ascension!"
Nehsun: Oh no, not again.
Avatar: Are you kidding? That was stupid! I was all good and virtuous and stuff! Really, kid! Where do you get your ideas!
Valk S: But it showed so much of your spiritual anguish…
Avatar giggles until he begins to choke.
Taotah: Hey! Someone hasn't spoken all evening.
Lyksus the Shepard has been asleep in her chair.
Avatar: So? Shepards aren't supposed to say anything or do anything! They just, uh, shepard stuff around and all…
Markadays: Uh, ok….
Avatar: I mean, Katrina (sexual-intercourse)ing sucked! She's just at level 1 when I get her. LEVEL ONE!!!!! What kind of (excretion) was Origin thinking of?
Avatar: Never mind. It's a long story.
Valk S: Hmm… Origin… That's a good idea…
A banging is heard at the door.
Shamino & Iolo: Avatar! We're hungry!
Avatar: SHADDUP!!!!!!! AN POR!!!!!!!
A magical lock appears on the door.
Avatar: Whew! I knew there was a use for that spell back in U6, but I never found it until now!
Taotah: So, Avatar, do you perfer close, blugeoning, or ranged weaponry?
Avatar: Huh? Do I look like Einstein or something? All I do is kill monsters and annoying people, get high, lay hot girls, (hatred swells up in the Avatar's eyes) AND FEED THOSE DAMN, (sexual-intercourse)ED UP COMPANIONS OF MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Taotah: I mean, uh, what do you kill people with?
Taotah: Er, swords, mourning stars, or crossbows?
Avatar: Oh, I like swords! Right now I've got this great Flame Sting from Pagan! But crossbows… (once again, the Avatar's eyes are filled with hatred) CROSSBOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT (sexual-intercourse)ING IOLO ALWAYS SHOOTS ME IN THE (sexual-intercourse)ING BACK WITH HIS (sexual-intercourse)ING CROSSBOW!!!!!!!!!!
Hanhdah: You know, maybe you shouldn't curse so much…
Avatar: WHY NOT??!!
Forude: Well, the writer has to keep switching from Caps Lock to no Caps Lock…
A banging is heard. Iolo has rammed a hole in the door with his head. He is now stuck staring through at the Avatar.
Iolo: I'm starving, Avatar! Really! I must eat now!
Avatar: I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VAS FLAM HUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN POR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Avatar and co. appear around Paws. In the distance, fire reddens the clouds above Britain.
Avatar: At last… Iolo and Shamino are dead… the greatest annoyances in Britannia besides Chuckles are now finally gone…
Nehsun: Where are we?
Avatar: I blinked us out at the last minute.
Valk S: Waitamoment, Avatar! I was wondering something…
Markadays: Oh god.
Valk S: If you hate Chuckles so much, why don't you kill him? I mean, you just killed Iolo, and he has a wife….
Avatar: So? Gwenno's an old (female dog). I wouldn't lay her for all the gold bars in the Royal Mint and the treasure room of Filbercio combined! At least a dozen more before I'd do that!
Taota: I, uh, don't think that was the point of the question…
Avatar: Yah mean Chuckles? (Doomed-to-go-to-Chistian-hell), I'd kill that (anus) if not for Nose. He keeps going ape(excretion) when I do. Wait! That's it!
Hanhdah: What is?
Avatar: I'll kill Lord British and make myself king of Britannia! Then I'll get all the mushrooms and babes I want!!!
The Avatar laughs maniacally like Bill Johnson. Feridwyn walks by.
Avatar: YO FERIDWYN!!!!!!!!! YOU WUZ AN (anus) IN U7, AND YOU WUZ AN (anus) IN UW2!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET WHAT YOU GOT COMING, (sexual-intercourse)ER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Avatar brutally slaughters Feridwyn with the Flame Sting.
Avatar: Cool, huh? Say, why don't you guys join me? We'll kill LB together!
Avatar: (to Seytarn) Join?
Seytarn: I am honored to join thee!
Avatar: (to Valk S.) Join?
Valk S: I am honored to join thee!
Avatar: (to Taota) Join?
Taota: I am honored to join thee!
Avatar: (to Forude) Join?
Forude: I am honored to join thee!
Avatar: (to Hanhdah) Join?
Hanhdah: I am honored to join thee!
Avatar: (to Markadays) Join?
Markadays: I am honored to join thee!
Avatar: (to Nehsun) Join?
Nehsun: I am honored to join thee!
Avatar: (to Lyksus the Shepard) Join?
Lyksus the Shepard: Thou hast too many party members!
Avatar: Oh (doomed-to-go-to-Christian-hell), I forgot! I can only have eight party members including me!
Nehsun: So we're gonna have to leave Lyksus behind?
Avatar: Of course not! Ctrl-S! Y! Alt-X! Y!
All becomes darkness for a moment. Suddenly, the Avatar and co. are back exactly where they started.
Lyksus: Hey! I'm on the party now!
Hanhdah: What did you do, Avatar?
Avatar: I used Doug the Eagle's Ultima 6 Developer's Kit! You should try
it; one of the best cheat devices out there!
The Avatar and co. arrive just outside Trinsic.
Markadays: So, what now?
Forude: Well, we already slaughtered the entire population of Paws for their mushrooms…
Avatar: (mumbling) Deserved it, anyway. Just wasted time with their stupid sub-quests…
Seytarn: You know, Avatar, why are we heading towards Trinsic if we're going to kill Lord British?
Avatar: Cuz we're gonna shoot up a few guards with the cannons and get der gold and armour! Then we'll hackmove a cannon back to Britain to wallop that (sexual-intercourse)er LB!
Guardian's Voice: Yes, that is the proper direction to travel, Avatar!
Avatar: Yuh think you've got problems? Ever' time I walk down this road he says the same (sexual-intercourse)ed up think over and over!
The gate to Trinsic is locked.
Guard: What is the password?
Avatar: (sexual-intercourse) you!
Guard: That is not the password!
Avatar: Flam Por!
The guard falls dead. Avatar casts Telekinesis to get into Trinsic. A large billboard shows a dog lying on its back, possibly dead. The billboard reads "Fido used to Bark at passing Goblins. But ever since I fed him Pagan Mushrooms with his dog food, he's been such a good dog! Pagan Mushrooms! The tastiest, healthiest food in the world!"
Nehsun: You know, this place has looked a lot different since the mushrooms started being imported to Britannia….
A mugger appears wielding a lightning wand.
Mugger: Freeze! Hand over all your mushrooms!
Avatar: Take this up your (anal-region)!
Kills him with the Flame Sting.
Hanhdah: That things pretty cool!
Avatar: (Christian-place-of-sinful-souls) yeah! I had to bring it from Pagan, you know!
They approach Spark's house.
Spark: Boo hoo hoo… my father was killed by a wingless Gargoyle and a man with a hook for a hand….
Avatar: What the (sexual-intercourse)?! That was (sexual-intercourse)ing years ago, Spark?
Spark: So? Origin didn't program me with anything else to say when I'm not on your party, and they thought you'd always keep me on your party!
Avatar: Like (excretion) I would! You're a (sexual-intercourse)ed up dork, Spark! You say you're fourteen, but you look more like eight or some (sexual-intercourse)ed age like that!
Spark: Origin didn't hire good portrait artists until Serpent Isle!
Avatar: Origin! Origin! It's all Origin's fault, huh, Spark? Well, first of all, the portraits in Ultima Underworld II looked pretty (doomed-to-Christian-hell) (sexual-intercourse)ing good! And you'd better realize how (sexual-intercourse)ing lucky you are! We didn't even have portraits until Ultima VI! And then we lost them in Ultima VIII!
Spark: What about Ultima V for the Nintendo?
Avatar: That was released years later, (sexual-intercourse)er, and totally sucked (male-genitals)! Ah, I've had enough of this (sexual-intercourse)ing (excretion)!
The Avatar kills Spark with the Flame Sting.
Avatar: He was almost as annoying as Iolo! Least he didn't whine "Is that virtuous?" and (excretion)!
Nehsun: Now what, Avatar?
Avatar: Huh? I'm getting bored and (excretion)! Let's just F3 our way to Nose and whup his (anal-region)!
The Avatar and co. appear just outside Castle Britannia.
Valk S: Cool! How'd you do that?
Avatar: 'Nother long story. But now we have more important things!
They enter the castle. Chuckles greets them.
Chuckles: Let us play the game!
Avatar: (sexual-intercourse)ING PILE OF GOD-(doomed-to-go-to-Christian-hell)ED (excretion)!!!!!!!!
Chuckles: Thou just broke a rule!
The Avatar hackmoves Chuckles into his backpack. He then F3s himself and co. to some spot out north of Serpent' Spine. Chuckles runs out of the Avatar's backpack and looks very confused.
Avatar: NOW I'VE FINALLY GOT YOU WHERE YOU CAN'T SUMMON SOME (sexual-intercourse)ED UP GUARDS TO SAVE YOU, PILE OF (sexual-intercourse)ING (excretion)!!!!!!!!!!!
Chuckles: Thou just broke a-- arrrrggghhhh!!!!!!!
The Avatar castrates Chuckles with the Flame Sting. He then proceeds to disembowl the jester. Angels can be heard singing. Britannia weeps with joy.
Lyksus: (crying) Such a great moment….
The Avatar searches Chuckles' dead body. He steals all his gold and devours his mushrooms, drooling madly.
Avatar: NOW IT'S TIME FOR OL' NOSE, HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Avatar continues to laugh madly like Bill Johnson. Finally, he F3s himself and co. to the Throne Room of Lord British.
Avatar: HEY NOSE!!!!!!!!!! I JUST KILLED THAT (sexual-intercourse)ER CHUCKLES!!!!!!!!!! NOW IT'S YOUR TURN, GOD(doomed-to-go-to-Christian-hell)ED (person-whose-parents-weren't-married-at-the-time-of-birth)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lord British: Good day, Avatar. What wouldst thou speak of?
Avatar: GO (sexual-intercourse) YOURSELF, NOSE!!!!!!!!1
He Avatar concentrates for a moment. Suddenly, Lord British rises out of his throne and is hackmoved to the other side of the room. The Avatar continues to hackmove him until he sits right below the "Throne Room of Lord British" sign. Despite the fact that Lord British is not sitting on anything, he continues to retain the same posture.
Avatar: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOO HOO HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!
The sign mysteriously falls on Lord British and kills him. Even stranger, no one seems to react to this.
Guardian's Voice: That is precisely the thing to do, Avatar!
Valk S: He's dead, Avatar! Yancey-Hausman with pay!
Nell: How could you, Avatar?
Avatar: (still giggling) The (sexual-intercourse)er deserved it.
Nell runs over to LB's body and moans.
Avatar: Uh, five hundred?
Nell: Eight hundred.
Avatar: Oh, all right. No use arguing. Eight hundred it is.
Avatar mutters "Rel Ylem" several more times. He hands exactly 800 gold to Nell.
Nell: There! I'm yours! Who cares about him, anyways?
The Avatar and co. stare on at the body of British. The Avatar sits down
in LB's throne. Nell brings him a huge vat of mushrooms. He laughs maniacally
as he inhales them.
Setting: The Blue Boar again. The eight not-quite-heroes are alone besides the bartender, Carrocio.
Hanhdah: Well, Britannia sure has been more interesting since the Avatar became king, at least.
Forude: Indeed. Relations with Pagan are certainly improving, right, Taota?
Taota: Oh yes. The Avatar's making a deal with Lord Devon of Tenebrae to get some barmaid and some servant girl sent over to be his mistresses.
Nehsun: How many mistresses does he have these days, anyways?
Valk S: Just Nell, Jeanette, Nastassia, Martine, and Wench.
Seytarn: There's more coming. I've been put in charge of research on Time Gates.
Seytarn: The Avatar's planning on opening a Time Gate to Serpent Isle so he can find these babes, uh, Lucilla and Frigidazzi before they were killed and bring them here.
Forude: The nerve! Doesn't he know that he could cause time anomalies that could destroy the entire known multiverse?
Seytarn: It gets worse. He's also trying to create a female clone of himself for you-know-what.
Hanhdah: Dear me! This becomes more demented every day!
Nehsun: Yeah! And we helped him do all this! We haven't gotten anything in return!
Valk S: Let's go overthrow the Avatar and take his place!
Markadays: Yeah! Our government won't be like the tyrannies of British and the Avatar, who held absolute power for themselves! Ours will be a Republic, for absolute power will be held by eight of us! And if anyone says it isn't, we'llhave them brutally executed!
Forude: An excellent idea!
Carrocio: What are you talking about?! This is treason!
Taota: So? He's got your ex-wife Nell nowadays anyways.
Carrocio: British already defiled her. I don't think of her anymore.
Seytarn: And you have to run this damn pub 'cause the Avatar killed Lucy and made Jeanette one of his mistresses!
Carrocio: Yeah, you're right! I'm on your side! Go kill the Avatar!
The Throne Room of Castle Avatar, formerly Castle Britannia. The Avatar sits on the thone, mushrooms stuffed in his hands and mouth. Nell, Jeanette, Nastassia, Martine, and Wench are massaging him. The not-quite-heroes enter.
Seytarn: Hey, Avatar! We're, like, here to overthrow you!
Avatar: Cool! Got any mushrooms?
Seytarn: 'Fraid not.
Avatar: That's a pity.
A huge ball of flame errupts from the Avatar's hands, killing Seytarn.
Taota: How dare you! You shed the blood of one of our dearest friends!
Avatar: Boo hoo.
Taota meets a similar demise.
Avatar: Hehe… this is actually pretty fun…. Now then, what did you want?
Forude: Er… nothing. We'll be going now….
Valk S: Wait! We came here to overthrow you, Avatar!
Avatar: You?! How dare you come here and pretend to be human!
Valk S. errupts in a puff of flame. He transforms into a mighty dragon.
Evil_Freak Dragon: Hahaha! So, Avatar, you saw through my disguise!
Nehsun: What the…
Evil_Freak: Their never was a Valk Swadjen! I am the writer of this story! I simply wanted to make sure the rest of you were sufficiently entertaining.
Markadays: No wonder you made up those bad plot ideas…
Evil_Freak: I shall not be insulted as such!
To put it simply, Markadays dies a horrible death.
Evil_Freak: And you, Lyksus! You barely said a damn word in the entire story! How boring you were! I only included you so that I could have all eight character classes.
Avatar: That's just why they had Katrina back in U4…
Lyksus also dies a horrible death.
Hanhdah: Why did you do all this?
Evil_Freak: Cuz the story needs to end eventually, you know! What better way than to kill everyone! (turns to the Avatar) It's your turn now, Avatar! Those three are my creations, so only you pose a true challenge.
Avatar: Hah! You think you can best me?
Evil_Freak: Of course! I'm an expert at Ultima! My name is recorded on the Hall of Fame at Auric's Ultima Moongates! I know all about Ultima, and I know all your secrets and weaknesses!
Avatar: Aha! But I know of your weaknesses too! I know of Martian Dreams!!!!!
Avatar: Yes, I know Martian Dreams is the only Ultima you haven't played! I can use its secrets to destroy you!
Avatar: Yes! I know of… uh… er… I know…
Evil_Freak: (smiling) Heh heh… You forget, Avatar, that I write this story. While you inhabit it, you cannot know anymore than I.
Avatar: But I won't accept defeat yet!
Evil_Freak: Neither will I!
Avatar: Yes, find a copy of Martian Dreams so that we may face each other on equal terms!
Evil_Freak: Indeed I shall!
Avatar: Prehaps the Hildago Trading Company: Britannia Branch has one?
Evil_Freak: Fool! I checked there just yesterday!
Avatar: Prehaps it's been updated since then!
Evil_Freak: Yes! You're right! I intone the magic chant http://home.earthlink.net/~fortran/index.html!
As Evil_Freak intones the words, they appear in the air. When he finishes, they glow blue and are creased by an underline below them.
Evil_Freak: Fare thee well, Avatar! We shall meet again!
As Evil_Freak speaks, his hand reaches towards the letters. They glow red for an instant, and then Evil_Freak is gone.
Avatar: Quickly! We msut follow him! Outside the story, he I vulnerable!
The Avatar, Nehsun, Hanhdah, and Forude reach towards the letters. Yet now they have changed, and read email@example.com. The Avatar and his companions are sucked into the link. Their only hope now is to use it to send a message of help, so that they canst be reincarnated in a sequal.
At last all has cleared. The world is empty, save for a single message. It reads: "I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!"
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