Gone Gold Forum: GG Challenge: Ultima 4 (Now the Adventures of Sausalito by Hipolito)

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Topic: GG Challenge: Ultima 4 (Now the Adventures of Sausalito by Hipolito)

Hipolito
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If you don't find this journal entry funny, you don't have enough milk in your mouth.

Sausalito's progress:

Moves: 76,250
Level: 8
Stones: 6
Avatarhood: 75%
Pals: 6
Party deaths: 9

(Spoilers)

We left the Dungeon of Despise not only with the yellow stone, but about 850 in gold. We all chatted excitedly about the stuff we could buy.

"Magic sword, magic plate!" said Geoffrey.

"I don't know, maybe even a down payment on that nice little pagoda in Moonglow," suggested Tubbs.

"It's a fixer-upper to be sure," Jaana said, "but the seven of us could turn it into a fine bed-and-breakfast"

But, traveling from city to city, we found that 850 wasn't enough to buy magic plate, or even ordinary plate. How much will be enough? We don't know; the shopkeepers don't tell us the price, only whether we have enough.

"Let's head back to the castle," I suggested. "We at least deserve some promotions for all that fighting we did in Despise." In the court of Lord I-Could-Be-English-Or-Irish-Or-Scottish-Or-Welsh, we stood in line for an hour to be heard while underpaid clowns tried to ease our ennui by making balloon sculptures of Robert Frost. Tired of waiting for the sovereign's attention, I stamped my feet and waved my arms. Pretending to listen to his current audience of catapult salesmen, he eyeballed me nervously. I jerked a thumb toward the ceiling to indicate what I wanted. He turned back to the salesmen. Then, I dug out an LB Snacks™ Twin Moonpie plastic wrapper and crinkled it noisily. This got on his nerves so much that he capitulated and summoned us forward. With a wave of his dainty, powdered hand, there was a great flash of light. "Welcome to Level 8, Sausalito!" he proclaimed as confetti and balloons marked with the number "8" fell from the ceiling.

"How about trying your enhanced shepherding skills at the Dungeon of Wrong?" said Jaana. "As a native of the town of Justice, I have always hoped to conquer the place that represents the opposing vice. I think we're ready for it now."

We horsed it to the Dungeon of Wrong, not knowing how "wrong" Jaana was. The dungeon had more than its share of nasty monsters and tricky traps. We fought the Pied Piper, the folklore figure who seduced children with his music and turned them into rats.

Level 5 was one giant wind tunnel that would blow our torch out with every step we took. Level 6 had secret doors and lightning fields blocking the way down. But it wasn't until Level 7 that our real troubles began. Until then, the online dungeon map had been a lot of help. For some reason, though, Level 7 looked completely different from the map; it was just a corridor filled with treasure chests.

So we cast the "Z" spell to warp down to Level 8, where the green stone should have been. But as hard as we tried to follow the map, we couldn't figure out how to reach the stone. According to the map, the northwest room, filled with slimes, lightning fields, and a zorn, would have a western exit that led to the stone room. But it didn't. We ran all around the level frantically looking for a clue, reactivating the same encounter rooms again and again. We endured several run-throughs of a three-room gauntlet of terror:

Our spirits and spell power fading, we warped out of the dungeon and rode south, back toward LB's where we could get free healing. There was much bickering along the way about our failed adventure; even Jaana and Tubbs were at each other's throats.

"I can't believe we went through all that for nothing!" Jaana complained. "Tubbs, you're a partner as much as I am, why didn't you prepare the associates better?"

"Hey, it was your idea to go there, sister," Tubbs replied. "You cared more about chasin' your glory than the good of the firm. Don't blame me, I'm doin' all I can."

Mondain, tied to the zipper on Tubbs' backpack, was taking all this in with a grin. "This isn't funny, Mondain," I said. "You'd better wipe that smile off your face."

"I can't," he said. "I'm a skull, dimwit."

"Whatever. You haven't been any help since we fished you out of the ocean."

"Well arguin' ain't gonna help no one, fool!" said a thick, rumbling voice. Out of the thicket emerged the meatiest man we'd ever seen, with his hair shaved to a fanciful strip down the center of his scalp and his neck adorned with heavy gold jewelry. His most striking feature was his unyielding glare, which could persuade a hurricane to turn back to sea. I had heard of this legendary strongman: he was known only as "Mister Tea."

"Now listen up!" he said. "I'm here to help you kids find that green stone. You all been runnin' around like chickens with your heads cut off, and I means to put a stop to it, or I ain't the Tea."

"But Mister Tea," Shamino protested, "we looked all over the dungeon, and can't find it."

"'Can't?' That's abso-ludicrous! How you gonna get good grades with that kinda attitude?"

Before Shamino could look puzzled, a band of orcs jumped us. But with Mister Tea's help ...

we taught them a lesson. "Next time, listen to your mama!" he yelled after the orcs as they ran away. He then turned to us and said, "So, we doin' this together or not?"

"Mister Tea," I said, "it looks like you're our man." Our new friend escorted us the rest of the way to the castle, where Lord Milquetoast gave us healing and advice:

Then we left the castle and went to our balloon, which would save us time and food. Mister Tea was a bit hesitant about using aerial transportation...

but Mariah slipped a mickey into the milk flask from which he frequently sipped. Mere moments later, he fell into contented sleep, and we flew him to Wrong with ease. We revived him once we entered the dungeon and waited for him to lead the way.

"Now what, Mister Tea?" I asked.

"Do I look like George Peppard to you, fool?" he replied. "Figure it out on your own. Use your head, I ain't yo mama!"

So we made our way down to the deep depths as before, letting Mister Tea take care of the bad guys.

(Did you know there's an eight-image limit per post? I've really got to tone it down with these pictures. Continue to the next post.)

[ 07-13-2004, 11:48 PM: Message edited by: Hipolito ]

Hipolito
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Once we got to level 8, we noticed that he had been knocked around and bleeding a bit, so Tubbs offered him an herbal remedy. "Say no to drugs," Mister Tea protested, "and yes to books. Readin' can be fun!" But we assured him that the herbs were purely for medicinal purposes, so he took them and felt a lot better.

Then we made our way back to the room that had stumped us before: the den occupied by slimes, lightning fields, and a zorn. "Take down those lightning fields with your magical hoopty-joop," said Tea as we team-huddled. "One of them's hiding the spot you gotta step on to activate the secret door. I'll distract these suckas."

While Mariah dispelled the fields, the rest of us beat up the slimes and made the zorn promise to never mess with drugs again. The floor didn't seem to have any switches or plates, but Dupre, rolling around like a log as he often did after battles, nudged a loose brick. Lo and behold, a secret passage opened in the western wall. We raced through it and found the pedestal where the green stone sat. The triumphant Mister Tea took the opportunity to take a well-deserved break.

Mariah's X-it spell brought us back to the surface. We offered Mister Tea a ride back home just as a black van rolled by. "Thanks, kids, but Tea got a ride of his own," he said, pointing at the vehicle. "Remember your virtues, Avatar. And stay in school!" His van carried him off into space.

The next update will probably be over the weekend. In the meantime, Mister Tea wants you to drink drugs, stay in milk, and don't do school!

bluefugue
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And we were there as a masterpiece was created...

CeeKay
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LOL! great stuff! you really should compile this whole adventure onto a web site once it's done to save it for posterity [Big Grin]

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Ceekay on: Half-Life 2

Watch, it'll be so buggy it'll reformat your hard drive when you try and uninstall it and then Gabe Newell will show up and take a big stinking dump on your keyboard while pointing and laughing in your face as he screams 'Whose bitch are you now?'

Hentzau
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Mr. Tea? OK, now that's seriously warped...

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Rupert of Hentzau
"I never kill where I have kissed!"

The Meal
Golden Moderator

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This is exactly what I needed to read this morning. Hip! Hip! Hip-polio! (I loved FDR.)

~The Meal

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The phrase is 'per se'.
It's spelled ridiculous. No 'e'; it's not any specific color.
The apostrophe goes between the n and the t, not before.

bluefugue
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quote:
Originally posted by CeeKay:
LOL! great stuff! you really should compile this whole adventure onto a web site once it's done to save it for posterity

Anything less would be a crime, actually.

Vizionblind
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Is there a free version of U7?

Cota
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Amazing Hipolito.

-Cota

bluefugue
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quote:
Originally posted by Vizionblind:
Is there a free version of U7?

No, U7 is not freeware. You could buy the complete Ultima Collection (Akalabeth-Ultima VIII) for a song, if you could find it.

sjsharks
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quote:
Originally posted by bluefugue:

quote:
Originally posted by Vizionblind:
Is there a free version of U7?

No, U7 is not freeware. You could buy the complete Ultima Collection (Akalabeth-Ultima VIII) for a song, if you could find it.

I got mine from GoGamer in the EA 10for$20 game box(I think it was actually $10). If you count all of the Ultima games in there as seperate games you're looking at a bit more than 10 games.

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Rich in KCK

Hipolito
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I'll definitely set up a website when this is all over. It might even have enhanced featurettes, like scene selection so that you can watch Chuckles deliver his classic lines again and again.

(Spoilers)

In the armor shop of Paws, we attended a demonstration of the new ablative pseudo-chitin depleted uranium plate, "for those moments when you just have to survive." The cheery salesman had his hapless, scrawny assistant put on a breastplate made of the stuff, which took several minutes of heaving and stumbling since it was so heavy. Then, with his assistant nearly doubled over from the weight of the thing, the salesman asked Geoffrey to hit the assistant as hard as he could to demonstrate the material's impregnability. Our brawny basher obliged, giving the assistant a haymaker right in the face. The poor little guy shot backwards through the wall, leaving hole in it big enough to walk through. To our surprise, a magic shop was on the other side; I could have prevented a lot of my earlier poisoning deaths had I known about it. "Finally, some customers!" said the magic shop clerk. The tiny store really was just a hole in the wall, but garlic was in season at only 2 gold per bulb, allowing us to buy enough to make the body butter that Tubbs liked to rub in his armpits.

We went to Skara Brae to take advantage of their lower prices for other reagents, then redeemed some coupons at the Taste of Moonglow to buy a lot of food (authentic New York nixie chowder and frozen cyclopsicles). Ready for more adventuring, we entered the Dungeon of Covetous, not far from Minoc, the town of sacrifice. Toughened by our previous dungeon quests, we didn't footle about this time. We went in, got the orange stone, and got out. Not that there weren't challenges. On Level 4, we had to escape the hungry wrath of cannibal skeletons.

We also had to contend with a copse of reapers. These trees played dirty: they pelted us with unfairly diagonal fireballs, cast mass sleep about every other turn, and attacked us even while we were unconscious. But we mulched them in the end. On Level 7, we'd stumbled into a turf war between the Joints and the Spines, the two undead gangs fighting for control of this west side dungeon.

We tried to run right between the gangs without getting caught in the melee, but, in all the fighting and dancing confusion, Shamino got stuck in the ribs with a switchblade and fell backward into Jaana's arms. "Jaana," he gasped, "go on... complete quest... remember me... must... drag... out... last... words... with... ellipses..." Jaana wept as he expired. Ever since Shamino found the Bell of Courage, he hadn't needed Jaana's friendly flirtation to keep him brave and in high spirits. Still, it was apparent that there was some attachment between them. Even I had to choke back a tear.

The skull of Mondain, affixed to Mariah's magic staff as an ornament, said, "Wow, it looks you fools can't complete a simple dungeon romp without screwing up somewhere. If I still had a body, I'd be wearing my 'I'm With Knave' T-shirt right now. Actually, I'd be wearing it all the time. It shouldn't take the average person this long to complete a 20-year old game with maps and hints, but I suppose you guys aren't average. Mee hee hee!"

Mariah opened a jar of flaming oil and poured it on the skull. "Nooo!" Mondain shrieked from within the blazing fireball. "You'll harden my calcites! I worked so hard so keep my enamel baby-soft!" We ditched our torches since Mondain turned out to be a good lantern.

When we reached the orange stone pedestal, we were disheartened to see that two other adventurers had reached it first.

But the young squires didn't seem to mind us taking the orange stone, more interested instead in laughing at Dupre's "pole" weapon.

With seven rocks in our collection, we tried to cleverly use the altar rooms to reach the dungeon Destard where we could get the eighth. Along the way, we crossed a two-room bridge that spanned an underground lake from which tentacled beasts tried to pull us down.

We kept ending up in dungeons other than Destard, and eventually gave up and warped back to the surface. We'll just have to enter Destard through the boring old front door.

bluefugue
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Oh man, that Bridge of Death shot is just genius...

Justin
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LMAO best thread evar!

JiffyPeanutButter
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Classic. Absolutely hilarious.

Hipolito, I salute you! [Smile]

[ 07-18-2004, 01:55 AM: Message edited by: JiffyPeanutButter ]

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GGOOTP Chicago White Sox
Blog!

TurinTurambar
New Guy

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That beavis and butthead shot was excellent as well. Very entertaining.

Hipolito
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Thanks. I gave old B&B some weapons in case they don't have an X-it spell and have to go the long way up.

Sausalito's progress:

Moves: 80800
Level: 8
Stones: 8
Avatarhood: 75%
Pals: 6
Party deaths: 9

(Spoilers.)

On our way to the Dungeon of Destard to find the eighth and final stone, I overheard our law firm partners, Jaana and Tubbs, discussing the possibility of selling the rights to our story to a film studio in Gollywood. Imagine, my life on the big screen, in a 3-hour docudrama by award-winning actors. Or maybe a cheesy Indian musical...

We stopped in Moonglow to fill our bellies with food. Andrea Mario, the friendly old deli proprietor, stood outside his establishment as if he'd been waiting for us. With outstretched arms and a big smile, he said, "'ey, Sausalito, why you no a-come to see me no more? You no a-love your Uncle Andrea?"

"You know I'd visit you three times a day if I could, Andrea," I answered, embracing him. "Say, could you give us a vat of your antispaghetti?"

"For you, I a-make my best."

He hauled out the vat of pasta, which, despite his promise, was really no better than what he served everyone else. Still, you could tell that he'd prepared it with lots of love.

"You should talk to my brothers," he said, referring to his two brothers that had made quite a name for themselves in the plumbing industry. "They give you good, steady job. You can a-jump high?"

"I do have a pretty mean vertical, yeah."

"You a-talk to them, then. They set you up very nice-ah."

"Oh, I'd much rather work for you, Uncle Andrea!"

"Oh, no, mio bambino, you no want to work in a ristorante. It's a-bad news for young boy like you. Lord British, he a-force me out with his snack company. He ruin everything, everybody! You give him a punch in the face for me!"

"Will do, uncle. Arrivederci." We rode away on horse, except for Geoffrey who ran on foot so that he could carry the heavy vat of antispaghetti.

At the mouth of the dungeon cave, we brought Shamino and Dupre back from the dead (we'd held off on resurrecting them in order to save on food), holed up to regain some health, and then plunged back into subterranea. Despite its unpleasant name, the Dungeon of Destard was fairly tame. Although we did run into some unfrozen caveman lawyers who'd gone cannibal crazy...

Apparently, these guys wanted to kill, dry, and process us into Frosted Sugar Avatar-Ohs™. (Stays virtuous in milk!) Still, the release document seemed legitimate to our well-trained legal eyes, so we signed it. Then we chopped the hungry men into Manbeef.

On level 7, we pried the red stone from the forehead of some drooling, incoherent twerp who'd been wandering the dungeons for too long. Who knows what the devil possessed him to come down here? We didn't really care, because finally, our rock collection was complete! We cheered as loudly as we could without attracting beasts. Even the skull of Mondain did a somersault with a skillful flip of its jawbone. "Congratulations!" it said. "You now have all eight stones needed to get the three-part key, your one-way ticket to doom! I tricked many people to their deaths in my time, but I never had it as easy as Lord British, who just sits on his throne while his seven lackeys dig their own graves. I think the Darwin Award committee will stop taking nominations now."

"Mondain," asked an annoyed Tubbs, "did you talk this much in your living years?"

"No. I preferred writing letters. Can't do that without hands, now can I, you spoony bard? Mar har ha—"

Before Mondain could finish his evil laugh, Tubbs, in one swift motion, tore off the skull's jawbone and jammed it into an eye socket. "Come on," he said to us in a businesslike fashion as he walked on, "let's head to the altars." We were all shocked to see the usually laid-back bard lash out like that. Even the rearranged skull managed to look stunned, and said not a word more for the rest of the day.

We took the ladder down to level 8 so that we could begin using the stones immediately. In the Truth, Love, and Courage altar rooms, we placed the stones representing the corresponding virtues into each altar. And thusly we obtained the three parts of the three-part key. Boom-boom-boom, done and done.

We warped back to the surface. Since our altar visits had placed us in the Dungeon of Hythloth, we were now on the island of the Abyss, far from the mainland. Not a problem, because whichever demon did groundskeeping there had thoughtfully replaced the balloon we had taken on our last visit to the island. As we floated west, I felt happy that I wouldn't have to spelunk any more dungeons until it was time to descend into the Abyss.

After getting healed at Lord Lunchmeat's castle, we went to Buccaneer's Den to buy the Magic Wand or Magic Bow from the arms shop there. I thought our 1500 gold would surely be enough to buy one of these treasures. When the arms dealer crossed his arms and shook his head no, I was a mite peeved:

[ 07-21-2004, 08:53 PM: Message edited by: Hipolito ]

Hentzau
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OK, that last shot was priceless. Hip, I'm really glad you have way too much time on your hands.

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Rupert of Hentzau
"I never kill where I have kissed!"

CeeKay
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You should make this a running feature- once you finish Ultima IV you should do Ultima V, or some other game [Big Grin]

bluefugue
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Agreed...

The Meal
Golden Moderator

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quote:
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-4/147506/u4_68.jpg

Classic.

~The Meal

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The phrase is 'per se'.
It's spelled ridiculous. No 'e'; it's not any specific color.
The apostrophe goes between the n and the t, not before.

Chris Gwinn
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I'm so sad that I haven't been reading this thread.

Head
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I'll be thinking of this thread and laughing my ass of for the next 6 months or whenever I hear or see Mr T. I pray that I never have milk in my mouth when that happens. [Big Grin]

~Head

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Allie Keys: When you're little, you like to think you know everything, but the last thing you really want is to know too much. What you really want is for grown-ups to make the world a safe place where dreams can come true and promises are never broken. And when you're little, it doesn't seem like a lot to ask.

Hipolito
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quote:
Originally posted by CeeKay:
You should make this a running feature- once you finish Ultima IV you should do Ultima V, or some other game

Yeah, and Sausalito can be a recurring character in my games. I'll next be playing Knights of the Old Republic, the story of a galactic shepherd and his Jedi sheep...

No, wait a minute, you do it! This thing's starting to eat my brain. Once I've killed everyone off (and don't think I won't), I'll uninstall all Adobe products from my computer and take up the guitar or something.

Be here tomorrow. Bring milk—that Vitamin D kind, not the wimpy skim stuff that runs harmlessly off your monitor.

JCC
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I hope you continue doing the Ultimas. I can only imagine Sausalito's reactions to:

Ultima V - where he has to RESCUE Lord British
Ultima VI - Where he finds out the negative consequences of Ultima IV
Ultima VII - His reaction to the guardian, the fellowship, and all the chasing down of Elizabeth and Abraham.
Ultima VII.5 - Well, a TON of stuff here.
Ultima VIII - His reaction to JUMPING~!
Ultima IX - His reaction to well... its crappiness!

[ 07-23-2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: JCC ]

bluefugue
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(minor visual Ultima III spoilers if anyone gives a damn)
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I think he should do Ultima III. I'd love to see him photoshop this heart-stopping closeup of the Lord of Time:

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[ 07-23-2004, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: bluefugue ]

Nakor
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@Hipolito: Are you playing this with xu4 or DosBox?

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Guybrush: How can you see without eyeballs?
Murray: How can you walk around without a brain? Some things no one can answer.

Hipolito
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I'm using XU4 version 0.9, with the graphics upgrade version 1.3.

JCC, your descriptions of Ultima V and VI make me want to do them! I don't own them, though, and already have a huge gaming backlog (which includes VII and VIII).

(Spoilers)

"Forget this avatar business," I said, stomping off to the tavern. "A drink needs me."

"I'll have a Grog-and-Coke," requested the skull of Mondain. "In fact, order a round for everybody, I feel like celebrating! Sausalito's finally reached the acceptance stage of coping with being an incompetent dolt. Now that he's abandoned his quest, the world will be mine! I planned it all so well. In fact, ever since Ultima II, I—hey, where are you taking me?"

"I don't think they serve your kind," said Shamino as he carried Mondain outside the tavern, where he tied him to a post. "Sit tight, we'll be back."

"Wait! Don't leave me outside where all the dogs are leashed! Have you forgotten what they do to bones? I'll be quiet! Take me inside, please! I make a fascinating centerpiece!"

We got a table and sat down. When the serving wench came by, Tubbs ordered me a cotton gin. Jaana, in a lapse of decency, ordered a shepherd's pie. We sat in gloomy silence, staring at the table while the sailors around us caroused merrily.

"What's it going to take?" I finally said. "We've been fighting reapers, crawling through filthy dungeons and poisonous swamps, and what have we got to show for it? A pot of gold that will never be enough to even buy a decent weapon. A bunch of stupid colored rocks. I haven't even made Avatar yet! Why not?"

Jaana read the to-do list on her Palm Boy. "You still haven't completed the virtues of Honesty and Sacrifice."

"Honesty? I haven't told a lie or stolen anyone's gold in a long time. And sacrifice? Shoot, we've given away all our gold to beggars a bunch of times, given blood, given our lives. I even lost my law license to Lord Blowfish. What's left? How about we just leave all 1500 of our gold here as a really big tip? How about I just toss all my sheep into the Abyss and jump in after them? Is that what the ankhs want, Jaana? Is it?"

"I'm not certain..."

"Quick!" cried Geoffrey as he shot up from his chair. "To the Internet!" Like a bat out of Hell, he bolted noisily through the swinging saloon doors and disappeared from sight. The rest of us saw no need to leave with such alacrity, but downloading a walkthrough was a good idea, so we paid the tab and left.

All the terminals at the nearby Internet café were occupied by people playing the hottest game: Akalabeth Online. I'd heard about it on an electronic entertainment news segment on LBNN. In the game, players could fight monsters (or even each other) with weapons purchased from shops run by other players, who in turn had bought the weapons from "crafters" that had spent hours mining metals, hauling them back to their forges, and melting them into sharp steel. They developed skills, pursued quests, interacted in "chat rooms," formed guilds and even ran their own cities. It was nothing less than a living, breathing virtual world. Unimpressed, we tossed one of the gamers from his computer and viewed a walkthrough on the Internet.

"Ah, for honesty, we need to overpay for reagents," said Jaana. "That... makes sense."

"And for sacrifice, I just need to give a lot more blood," I observed. "No problem, I've gotten tired of carrying it all around, anyway."

"Hey, a Magic Bow will cost 2,000 gold, and a Magic Wand 5,000," said Tubbs. "We've almost got enough for the Bow."

"Forget about it, we need the money to overpay for reagents. And it says the H.M.S. Cape survivor is in Serpent's Hold. Let's go there first."

We collected Murray—I mean Mondain—from the post. The dogs had indeed been thorough with him. "Blech," he muttered. "You fools have no respect for the undead. Why'd I ever sign on to this game? 'Join the party,' they said. 'See the world!' they said. I'd rather be—Geoffrey, what are you doing? Don't you dare put me back in that sack, you overgrown imbecile! It's hot, dark, and smells like potatoes!"

"How would yeh know, no-nose?" Geoffrey said as he stuffed the skull into his sack and tied the drawstrings.

We sailed to Serpent's Hold and talked with the survivor of the H.M.S. Cape, the famous luxury liner that had been destroyed by a giant squid. "Yes," he said in labored whispers as he lay in his cot at the infirmary, "the horrible monster snapped the Cape in half with a double-blow from its mighty tentacles, in the deep waters of the Cape of Heroes. I'll never forget how he..."

He droned on about his bad day as we left for our ship. The Cape of Heroes was not far, though we wondered whether the giant squid still lurked there. We sailed to the middle of the Cape, where Tubbs retrieved the jewel-encrusted magical steering wheel with his fishing pole. All was quiet, but as soon as the wheel landed on the deck, the baywater began to bubble and boil. The tides rose and spun our ship in a circle. Then, a massive form emerged from the depths...

It was all we could do to hang on to the railing as our ship spun out of control. We were entranced by the beast's giant, obsidian eyes, gleaming with hatred.

"We're doomed!" cried Shamino.

"And I'm gettin' seasick!" yelled Geoffrey.

The creature lifted two arms, each many times larger than our ship, into the sky, blotting out the sun. As it brought them down with full force—

(Sorry, everyone, I lost six pages of work in a computer crash. I'll post what I was able to salvage.)

"Wow, what a fight!" I said as I helped Mariah off our intact ship. "I thought that thing was going to kill us!"

"It would have had Dupre not done his paladin-ninja jump attack," said Jaana as she dried off the magical wheel with a cloth. "I'd never seen such bravery."

"Shamino, you have got to teach me how to do that five-finger-exploding-heart technique. I didn't know you knew Tae Kwon Leap!"

"I didn't know either," said the ranger. "It just came to me. Maybe it was divine intervention on account of Mariah's magic spell."

"Yeah, what was that about?" I asked the mage. "I can't believe you summoned a thousand angels and led them in a chorus of 'Holding Out for a Hero.' Why didn't you tell us you had such a beautiful voice?"

Mariah shrugged and smiled coyly.

"When our boat transformed into a giant robot and threw that eight-armed juggernaut into the sun... well, that's just about the most amazing sight I've ever seen," said Tubbs. "I'm glad I was alive to witness it."

"Hear, hear!" I answered. "Now let's do some shopping."

At Moonglow, we bought reagents one piece at a time and paid double the price in order to win Honesty points. Then we went to Lord Bungie-Smurf's castle, where the scoreboard sorcerer, now wearing an expensive new robe made from the finest materials, told me that my Honesty level was still not high enough. At the healer, I began the cyclical process of donating blood and getting healed in order to raise my Sacrifice. As I swooned with pain and fatigue, I tried to comfort myself with the thought of my heroic story unfolding on the big screen after we sold our movie rights to Gollywood. Eventually, I fainted from the process and had a fitful nightmare...

When I came to, the scoreboard sorcerer was standing worriedly over me. He assured me that I had sacrificed enough.

We toured the four magic shops across Britannia, buying all the reagents we'll probably ever need and paying double the price. Back at the castle, the scoreboard sorcerer, now wearing custom-fitted rings on all ten fingers with rare gems that matched the color of his new robe, suggested that I try a little harder to elevate my Honesty. We went to Skara Brae and paid well over half the going rate for a few herbs. When we returned to the scoreboard sorcerer, he was sipping cognac, smoking imported cigars, and speaking into a cell phone. "Yeah, I think we'll open a new herbal shop in Britain, maybe even another in Jhelom," he said. "Business has never been better." Then he noticed us, said, "Hang on for just a sec, lemme take care of this," and turned to us. "Honesty shrine, right?" he asked with a gold-toothed smile and a thumbs-up sign. "You're good to go!" Then he returned to his phone call to discuss the lucrative possibility of selling nightshade and mandrake root.

"That seemed kinda suspicious," said Tubbs as we left.

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For bluefugue's eyes only: if I did Ultima III, a character by that name could only look like...

Justin
Gone Golder

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Ohhhh man this is just too funny! This should be a sticky thread for all to see.

[ 07-24-2004, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: Justin ]

CeeKay
Gone Golder

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quote:

Priceless... you the man Hippy!

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Ceekay on: Half-Life 2

Watch, it'll be so buggy it'll reformat your hard drive when you try and uninstall it and then Gabe Newell will show up and take a big stinking dump on your keyboard while pointing and laughing in your face as he screams 'Whose bitch are you now?'

an0nym0us b0sch
Gone Golder

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I'd just like to echo everyone else's compliments, Hipolito. Splendid job!

I bask in the refulgent glow of Sausalito and the tales of his legendary sheep-mastery and derring-do!

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"Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants."

Zurai
Gone Golder

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OMG I about died laughing at that last image. Absolutely hilarious.

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NOW PLAYING:
PC:
Lineage 2
Civilization 3 Conquests (& mods)

"If you took MOO2 and slapped a label on it calling it MOO3, everyone here would still hate it." - Koz

bluefugue
Gone Golder

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Yeah, that Zero Wing gif is just... there aren't words, really...

Hipo, you should see if you can get an email off to Garriott himself... he'd probably get a huge kick out of this.

The Meal
Golden Moderator

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The GGF in-jokes are priceless, too. I, for one, welcome our Hippocratic overlord.

~The Meal

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The phrase is 'per se'.
It's spelled ridiculous. No 'e'; it's not any specific color.
The apostrophe goes between the n and the t, not before.

noun
Gone Golder
Capital Offender

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Powers That Be - time to snag Hipolito and make him a member of the team. His posts should definitely be a weekly Web article.

Well done, sir!

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I used to advertise my Pay it Forward Freebies here, but they're all gone!

Hentzau
Gone Golder

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Don't know how you're going to top that one, Hip. Bravo.

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Rupert of Hentzau
"I never kill where I have kissed!"

Smoove_B
Gone Golder
Area Man

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Hip, you got mad skeelz. After Seanbaby and Old Man Murray stopped, I wondered where I'd get something to replace their totally twisted viewpoints.

Thanks for sharing.

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"Well Goddamn
I'm ape and God in one
A G.T.O. from the stars
Mentalla's favorite son "

noun
Gone Golder
Capital Offender

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Bump! More! More Ultima Photshopped parody goodness, please!

/me holds up a lighter.

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I used to advertise my Pay it Forward Freebies here, but they're all gone!

Hipolito
Gone Golder
2 hit points

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Hopefully by tonight, noun. If only I can get Sausalito to come back out his trailer...

I appreciate all the feedback from everyone.

quote:
Originally posted by bluefugue:
Hipo, you should see if you can get an email off to Garriott himself... he'd probably get a huge kick out of this.

I know what you're trying to do, blue. You want Richard Garriott to see this, get upset and sue me. Then you'd have a lawsuit between Hipolito and RG mirroring the one between Sausalito and Lord British. Life imitating art, eh? Well it ain't gonna happen!

Just kidding. I can't determine RG's e-mail address, but even if I could I'd rather someone else tell him. I've developed a het crush on the guy during all this Photoshopping and would be too intimidated.

quote:
Originally posted by Hentzau:
Don't know how you're going to top that one, Hip. Bravo.

Yeah. I actually completed that GIF two weeks prior to posting it, but I still might have played my ace a little too early. Now I've got nothing! We'll see...

Hipolito
Gone Golder
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Hello, my friends. Stay a while, and lis... hey, come back!

Sausalito's progress:

Moves: 89,100
Level: 8 (maximum)
Avatarhood: 100%
Pals: 7
Party deaths: 9

(Spoilers. Not really, but I have to keep saying that on general principle.)

Now that I was finally elevated in the last two virtues, I began the quest to visit the Sacrifice and Honesty shrines to become the Avatar. From Lord Buttsteak's castle, we Mr. Edded through the moongates and into Minoc. In the poorhouse there, I rolled up my sleeves and showed Julia my blisters and scars from all that bloodgiving, convincing her that I had sacrificed enough. "Let me clean up here first and I'll join you," she said.

She undid her ponytail, letting her dirty but beautiful brown hair flow. Tubbs stared at the thing in her hand that had bound the hair. "Where did you get that polka-dotted scrunchy?" he asked in wonder.

"This thing?" she said. "It used to be my mother's."

Tubbs looked at her face for a long time, then showed her the bolo tie he wore around his neck. "Did your mother ever tell you about this?"

Julia was so amazed that she dropped the scrunchy. She gasped...

After a long and animated conversation between the two of them, Tubbs finally clued the rest of us in: "I had a ladyfriend in this town many years ago. She was a seamstress and a great gal. I went to Britain to become a bard, and promised I'd be back for her. I never did go back. Never did know that she bore my daughter. Never did know that she'd died on the Cape. Never knew I had a little girl in Minoc who'd never met her daddy, and knew nothin' about him except what her mama told her." He fingered his bolo tie. "Saus, I always felt awful for how I treated my lady, for not being man enough to keep a promise. That's why I joined you, to help people, to make up for the things I'd done."

"I bet you never thought you'd have such a chance at redemption," I said.

"No, I didn't," he said with his arm around his daughter. "And I ain't gonna blow it this time. If it's all the same to you guys, I'd like to remain behind."

"You have our blessings, Tubbs," said Jaana. "We will miss—"

"No!" interrupted Julia. "Don't leave your friends, Father. I'm coming with you."

After another long, more heated conversation, Tubbs grudgingly agreed to let Julia join the firm. He was a tough old man, but no match for his daughter's fierce will.

At the Shrine of Sacrifice, I earned an eighth of avatarhood. Just one more to go. We all felt pretty good about having a full team of lawyers and almost all the virtues, so I took on the guise of Sheep Shady and led a flavorful dance routine:

"That was a bit... much," commented Shamino.

We hiked through the mountain trail to go back to the moongate. Mondain was rolling happily along the ground, keeping up with us. He did this by pushing his jawbone against the ground, like a self-propelling wheel. He still managed to get his words in: "The guy who killed me was a real hero, I'll give you that much. Tough, smart, brave. He had to be in order to defeat a powerful, evil wizard like me. I'm not saying you've got it easy, Saucy. I mean, meditating at shrines, collecting silly artifacts, saying mantras like 'foo' and 'goo' correctly. That stuff would be difficult enough for a complete lout, so I can only imagine what a monumental challenge it must be for you. Hamumumumumu!"

"That's it!" bellowed Geoffrey. "I've had it with yer insults, skullface!" Geoffrey picked Mondain up and proceeded to chuck him off the precipice shot-put style. "Wait!" cried the skull. "Don't! Don't! There are so many things I wanted to do. I have plans, dreams! I never got to emcee a wedding or bar mitzvaaaaaaaaaaaah..."

For a blissful moment, we reveled in the peaceful, Mondain-free quiet. The sun seemed to shine a bit brighter, and we could hear birds chirping again. Then, we headed down the mountain to find the skull; we still needed it to complete our mission.

Mondain was shattered into dozens of pieces. We put him back together the best we could with twine and dried mud. "Ugh, what a mess you made of me," he groaned with groggy ingratitude. "My jaw's crooked, my eye sockets are asymmetrical and you've obviously used my teeth in place of the bits you couldn't find. I guess you never played with Legos. Couldn't you have at least made a proper glue from one of your horses?"

We quietly put Mondain into our empty Beefaroni barrel and proceeded through the moongate to Britain, where our ship was docked. The denizens of the wilderness seemed to know that I was close to attaining full avatarhood, as they beset our party in great hordes as if to stop me:

When we made it to our boat, I noticed the change that had come over Tubbs. Once easygoing and carefree, he now moved with a sense of purpose and vigilance. He assumed captaincy of the ship, rattling orders, making navigational decisions and leaving nothing to chance. When we came upon another vessel at sea, Tubbs didn't hesitate to rush to a cannon and unleash pink fury on the target:

I didn't have the heart to point out that the "enemy" had been one of our previously owned and abandoned vessels, a harmless derelict. If Tubbs thought he was protecting his daughter, that was good enough for me.

But as we got closer to the Shrine of Honesty, real enemies attacked us with greater frequency. After one lengthy and chaotic battle, Tubbs looked around and said, "Where's Julia?" We searched the ship with haste and alarm, finding her neither on nor below deck. Then, Mariah pointed at the ocean. Julia had apparently been knocked overboard during the fight, and was now floating face down and motionless. Not a second later, Tubbs himself was in the ocean. I swear he had said once that he couldn't swim, but he learned quickly as he pulled Julia back to the ship. When we got both of them back on board, Tubbs attempted to resuscitate Julia. Minutes passed. Julia remained still.

Tubbs took a long look at her. "One day," he said, his voice breaking in anguish, "Just one day in my girl's life, and look what happened. I was no good to her mother... no good... "

"Please don't say that," Jaana said, kneeling by him and hugging his shoulders as Mariah already began the process of resurrecting Julia through magic. Minutes later, Julia stirred. She looked weary and in pain, but her face lit up when she saw Tubbs. "Daddy," she sighed as she threw her arms around him. She insisted on staying with us for the rest of the adventure, but promised not to wander far from her father's side.

Later that night, we reached the Shrine of Honesty. I meditated three cycles and said the correct mantra. Maximum avatarosity, baby! I was hoping for some pomp and circumstance, or even a laurel and hardy handshake, for finally becoming the Avatar, but the game continued normally (perhaps because I can still lose avatarhood if I do something bad). So I had to fantasize about getting proper recognition:

But as I emerged from the shrine, my colleagues threw a surprise reception to congratulate me. Shamino opened a bottle of Dom Perrier champagne. As everyone enjoyed their caviaar and foie gras, I noticed the brand on the bottle label: LB Snacks™.

With the wisdom of avatarhood came dread and horror. "Let's get out of here, now," I said. "Back to the castle." My colleagues were puzzled, but didn't argue. We Gate-traveled to Britain and arrived at the castle grounds, where my fear was confirmed.

People had come from all over to celebrate my success. There were banners and booths, confetti and cacophony. When the crowd noticed our arrival, it surged to surround and cheer us. We slowly made our way through it, noticing what everyone was eating, what all the booths were selling, and what all the T-shirts were promoting: LB Snacks. The name was everywhere. The CEO of the company was on a stage, hailing my arrival with effusive praise in a speech about how my achievement would usher in a new era for Britannia. He gazed upon me with affection, genuinely glad that I had gone through the trials to become Avatar. I finally understood why.

Throughout my quest, I had traveled from town to town, buying food from the increasingly ubiquitous LB Snacks shops. Though the company had great market penetration, many people remained unfamiliar with the brand and resistant to change. LB Snacks couldn't corner the market until it won them over. To do this, the company needed an effective spokesperson, someone who promoted the brand by visiting one town after another and buying huge quantities of the product. This spokesperson had to be widely liked, so that the townsfolk who observed his snack-buying habits would want to emulate him. LB Snacks could create this spokesperson by finding some humble unknown and championing him as a wandering hero on an important quest to better all of Britannia. A person on a mission of self-discovery. A mission of virtue.

Later that night, as the festivities wound down and people returned to their homes, I followed the CEO to his throne room and confronted him. "Would you like me to travel some more?" I asked. "Sign autographs, kiss babies, pass out free samples? Perhaps I can star in some commercials on LBNN and say, 'I couldn't have become the Avatar without LB Snacks.'"

"No, no, no," he said, laughing amiably. "You've done more than enough for the company, though I do like that slogan and will use it with your kind permission. You are understandably tired. I think you deserve a long vacation, all expenses taken care of by me, to a locale of your choice. You like Moonglow, true?"

"What about the Stygian Abyss?"

"Well that doesn't sound like a fun time! Why would you want to go there?"

"Aren't I supposed to? Skull of Mondain, Bell of Courage and all that?"

"Oh yes, I had completely forgotten. Well, do whatever you wish, Avatar! LB Snacks is now the undisputed snack food empire of Britannia. Our products are sold everywhere and eaten by everyone. Now don't look so disappointed that I don't need you anymore. You should be very proud of what you've accomplished. Promoting the 'eight virtues' was a swell thing to do."

"How dare you mock us!" said a seething Jaana. "We faced horrible threats and went through hell to obtain those virtues."

"And each of us died at least once in the process," shouted Tubbs, "including my own daughter."

"Good Jaana and Tubbs, you may visit me at any time and ask for anything you want. You shall have it. But I would thank you to not address me in raised voices. Jaana, were it not for this quest, you would have remained a druid in Yew for the rest of your life, ignorant of the wonders of the world and the greater challenges awaiting you. Tubbs, were it not for me, you would never have met your daughter at all."

"She died! If I could go back in time and prevent that, I would, even if it meant never getting the chance to meet her."

"We were foolish to not have supported Sausalito's lawsuit against you earlier," said Jaana. "But we won't be fooled again. Tubbs and I still have our law licenses, as do our associates, and we will stop you."

LB laughed. "At this point," he said, "you have a better chance of surviving the Stygian Abyss than of prevailing against me." Then his eyes darkened. "In fact, why don't you go on that vacation to the Abyss after all? Do your heroic and virtuous things. Save the world. Just leave my castle, and do not return." His guards escorted us out.

We stood outside the castle and watched the groundskeepers clean up after the festival, feeling lost. "Well, now what?" I asked.

"We might as well see this through," said Tubbs. "Jaana?"

"Very well," she said. "We've come too far to turn back now."

So we went to Skara Brae and bought a massive amount of food, perhaps for the last time. We splurged: liver and onions, cheese crumpets, and a shoo fly pie were the order of the day for most of us. Dupre bought a Royale With Grease at the ramburger-and-rot-dog stand. Shamino made sure to visit the crab buffet before it closed. Then we went to Serpent's Hold and Empath Abbey to obtain the mystic weapons and armor, available only to those who've completed the virtues. Finally, we returned to our boat to enter the heart of the Stygian Abyss. Before we reached there, we were ambushed by the largest group of sea creatures we'd ever encountered.

Will the sea beasts send our heroes to a watery grave? Will they then reach the mainland, evolve into land-walking animals and ravage the countryside? Will Lord British then hire them as his team of valets during his pro wrestling sabbatical? Find out next time on ULLTIMMAAA IIIIVVVVV!!!!!

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