Bimfulty the Sosarian Viking
And the Quest to Find Avatus!
Setting: Alter Britannia, 7 AUA (After Ultima Ascension). With Lord British booted out of his castle and the various fiascos regarding OSI/EA's treatment of Ultima, the great mages from across the land who were NOT mindless NPCs cast a great spell to duplicate an identical Britannia that would be out of Electronic Art's greedy reach, and now awaits the coming of their god, "Spektre". Meanwhile, Castle Britannia has rotted into decay and Britain has for the most part lost its former glory. The capital of the land has been relocated to New Magincia, where we now find our hero Bimfulty searching for the legendary viking Fimbulty, from whom he took his name.
Bimfulty: (to a passing peasant who appears decrepit and old, but has an air of wisdom about him) Excuse me, do you know where I could find Fimbulty the Viking? Thanks.
Peasant: (eyeing him suspiciously) http://allgaming.com/ultimaix/fim/index.html, laddie!
Bimfulty: (confused) Huh????
Peasant: 'Aven't yeh ever journeyed past Horizons on the net, boy? (philosophically, with sappy music in the background and a mystic light shining down upon his face) There's a whole world out there for you to discover, a world of thirteen-year-olds hacking onto porn sites, of idiots who spell worse than your Lithuanian grandmother's aunt--
Peasant: (ignoring him)…Of keyboards with broken Caps Lock buttons that are always either on or off and are without shift keys, of large companies with snazy images and music and text filled with hypocracy and blatant praise of their products…
Bored, Bimfulty walks away. The peasant doesn't seem to care.
Peasant: …Of message boards broken to a crawl because of all the people posting, of chat rooms that are almost always empty, and when they aren't crash every half minute, of dumb games that you buy for 50$ and then are forced to continue paying for every successive month, of the stupid PKers who lurk upon these games and kill you instantly, while yelling incoherently in letters and numbers! Yes, boy, tis a whole wide, magnificent, beautiful, pathetic, wretched, horrible, catastrophically deranged world out there, and YOU must discover it for yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, at the centre of New Magincia lurks the tavern/inn/castle known simply as Horizons, the most important location in all the world. Sitting around a darkened room are two figures.
The Keeper of the Certhas Iaur Minas: I tell you, the fate of all Britannia rests upon it! We must find Avatus!
Jazar: I disagree, and as king here you must follow my orders!
CIM: But look at the lands, how empty, lifeless they've become! With Avatus gone, so are all the good debates! His illogic and steadfastness towards opinions we all disagreed with was what powered Horizons and kept things interesting! Now we've got nothing to do but praise Deus Ex and hope Jamison will say something else negative about it so we can flame him!
Jazar: Hmm… true. But you disagreed with Avatus most of all? Why do you of all people want him back?
CIM: I didn't say I wanted him back. I just said I wanted him found, so that we can kill him.
CIM: Well, it was a bit annoying having long arguments I spent hours writing refuted by a single "Hah! You're wrong! NT" message. I'm sure many of the other regulars would agree with me.
Jazar: But how would that solve a thing? With Avatus dead, how are things going to get more interesting?
CIM: Hey, people're still discussing Lord Brinne after more than a year. Another death will spark some conversation.
Jazar: I suppose so. We should probably search for him under the alias of Paladinus, which he considered using at some points. That would lead to Trinsic, I suppose, as where he's hiding out. But who to do it? Corinth was once a bounty hunter, but now he owns the tavern of Horizons and is my right hand man. But, perhaps the barkeep Tylderon could handle matters during his departure--
CIM: Nay, Corinth I fear sympathises with the views of Avatus at times. We need not a bounty hunter, but a-- a viking! Yes! A viking to find & kill the paladin Avatus!
Meanwhile, Bimfulty questions the barkeep Tylderon downstairs at the tavern.
Tylderon: Fimbulty? Yeah, he's been around here a bit recently. Got a different name nowadays, though. Paladinus or something.
Bimfulty: Yeah, thanks. Does anyone else here know more?
Tylderon: Try just about any of the regulars here at Horizons. Some're pretty psychotic, though.
The dark room.
Jazar: But where to find another viking? They're awfully rare these days, and--
Bimfulty stumbles in and knocks a whole door down. Music pours in from downstairs. He looks up at CIM and Jazar, embarassed.
Bimfulty: Er, sorry, guys, but I'm looking to join a viking crew. Do you know where I can find Paladinus?
CIM: (laughing) Splendid! We have a viking right here! And he's already looking for Avatus to boot! My friend, continue you your crusade and bring us back the head of Paladinus and we shall reward you greatly!
Bimfulty: (confused) But Fim--, er, Paladinus is my hero! I always wanted to join his crew to sail Britannia's seas!
CIM: Traitor, how dare you! Avatus must die!
Bimfulty: Who's Avatus???
CIM: You idiot, how could you be looking for him if you don't even know-- (CIM suddenly stops) No, wait, never mind. Forget about Paladinus for the moment. We want you to track down and kill someone named Avatus. That's it. There's nothing complicated to it. Ok?
Bimfulty: Er, ok.
CIM: Then be off! You should first consult a half-dragon, known in his wyrm form as Evil_Freak and as the bard Valk Swadjen when calling himself a human. He uploaded a fanfic by Avatus to his lair shortly before the paladin disappeared into hiding, and may know of his current whereabouts.
Bimfulty: Well of course he'd know of his whereabouts! But what does that have to do with this Avatus guy?
CIM: Damnit, confuse my pronouns again and I'll have you killed too! The Lair of the Evil_Freak is located on the isle of Spektran, classic haven for a single insane person at a time. Now away with you!
Fade out to Bimfulty's ship, the Dorkas, sailing across the golden seas. The symbol of a horned helmet marks the sail. Dramatic music plays in the background.
Docking the ship at Spektran, Bimfulty walks out warily towards the small keep and enters it. A ragged man with incredibly long red hair sits hunched over at a crappy AMD-K6 2 450.
Valk Swadjen the Bard: Welcome to the Lair of the Evil_Freak! What may I do for you?
Bimfulty: Long story. Basically I'm looking for two guys both named Paladinus, but they don't have anything to do with each other.
Valk Swadjen: And why come to me?
Bimfulty: One of them is also known as Avatus, and I heard--
Valk Swadjen; Avatus! Bloody 'ell! I've been looking for him a long, long time!
Bimfulty: Great! Do you know where he is?
Valk Swadjen: Of course I don't, otherwise I wouldn't be looking for him, idjut!
Valk Swadjen: Never mind. So, anyways, what's his alias again?
Bimfulty: Paladinus, I believe.
Valk Swadjen: (sarcastically) Well, if I was calling myself "Paladinus", where would I hang out? Let's see, such a difficult riddle, hmm, ahm, mmm, do I have it? No, no, of course I don't. Let's see….
Bimfulty: (disappointed) You can't help me, then?
Valk Swadjen: TRINSIC, YAH BLOODY MONTARIAN SCUM!!!!!!!!
Valk Swadjen: Sorry, old Dredanal habit I picked up from too much Valoria. Their map was all screwed up too…
Bimfulty: Well, look, I'll be going off to Trinsic now, then…
Valk Swadjen: Wait! Let me join you or something! I might be the most pathetically worthless person in the world, a perpetual failure at everything except the most inane, useless tasks, but I beg of you to take me along!
Valk Swadjen: True, I shall only hinder you with my incompetance and delay your quest. True, my idiocy and fallability may appear when you rely upon me the most, and I may end up in my foolishness costing you your well-being or even your life. True, because of me you might very well end up ripped up limb by limb starting with your privates by a huge band of trolls or ettins while I race away for shelter in a pile of old leaves. And true, indeed, you may very well spend every moment of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of every century of every millenium wondering why you brought me along and allowed me to cause you such grief, but all the same, I beg to be allowed to accompany you!
Valk Swadjen: Well, I'm bored. Not much left to do these days. I'm too exhausted to begin Tome Two of Valoria, Thief Gold is close to impossible in some places, and I'm not going to be able to play Deus Ex without tearing my hair out in frustration until I finally get a decent computer. Plus, talk is dying down on Horizons. So, is it yea or nay?
Bimfulty: Well, I'm sorry, but you are just a bard, not a viking or anything--
Valk Swadjen: Oh come on! Look at my name! Valk Swadjen! Doesn't that sound sorta Norwegian or, er, vikingish?
Valk Swadjen: Drat. Well, can I join you anyway?
Valk Swadjen: Please?
Bimfulty: I said no!!!!
Valk Swadjen: Well, then, could you at least deliver a message from me back to Jazar on Magincia?
Bimfulty: Fine, what?
Valk Swadjen: Well, about the Snookles Story, I think it would be much improved with the addition of more philosophical ambiguity and grey characters. For example, Bobs could be shown as tormented by moral conflicts, between his devotion to the land and the knowledge that perhaps Snookles is right and New Magincia deserves to be damned as the old city was. Or, he could also--
Bimfulty: Oh, all right, but take a breath for once and shut up, ok? And know that my hero Fimbulty would never've done something like this.
Valk Swadjen: Bah, that other Paladinus owes me a favor for following his request and writing a fanfic about vikings.
Bimfulty: And where is that?
Valk Swadjen: You're looking at it.
More dramatic shots of the Dorkas, with more equally dramatic music in the background. Bimfulty sits twiddling his thumbs on deck while Valk Swadjen strokes his lute and hums to the music. Suddenly, another ship is seen approaching with a black sail.
Bimfulty: Pirates, bard!
Valk Swadjen: (wearily) Just call me Valk. Where?
Bimfulty: 4 o'clock!
Valk Swadjen: Tis barely noon. We should be quite early, then.
Bimfulty: Haven't you ever been on a ship before?
Valk Swadjen: Look, who needs a bloody ship when they've got an Orb of the Moons?
Bimfulty: (amazed) Then you hold one of the few Orbs of the Moons in all the realm???
Valk Swadjen: Nope, never laid eyes on one, in fact. Still, darn useful little things. Totally unbalanced U6, though. Anyways, ships are still useless. Look how the Siege of Farthing was repelled by the steadfastness of Tarnor Dredanal!
Bimfulty: Look, the pirates will be upon us in mere moments, so man the cannons or something. Now!
A cannon ball strikes through the hull of the Dorkas. The pirate ship pulls alongside the Dorkas and her crew jump to the viking boat.
Valk Swadjen: This is the sort of time I wish Shamino were around to spout his "I hear something to the east!" drivel…
Pirate 1: Arr, matey! Give us yer gold, food, clothes, furniture, er (begins counting on his fingers and scratching his head), tapestries, carpets, pets, livestock, umm, gold…
Pirate 2: Yeh said that already, mate.
Pirate 1: Well blimey, that isn't even a half dozen!
Pirate 3: Yes it is, yah idiot!
Pirate 1: Well it isn't even a dozen, then! What'd I leave off?
Pirate 3: Nothing, idiot!
Pirate 4: Naw, he's right. There gotta be some more things. Let's see…
Pirate 5: I gots it! Gold!
Pirate 3: WE ALREADY SAIDS GOLD, YUH DIMWIT!
Pirate 2: Aw, piss off, all a' yah. I gettin' sick of this whole gig, yah know? It's all gold this and gold that, and maybe a bit of silver here and there--
Pirate 5: That's it! Silver!
Pirate 1: Thanks, mate!
Pirate 2: Shaddup! That don't matter! What I mean is, there's no ingenuity in our job here. It's pillage this and pillage that. Where's the reward? Where's the feelin' of a job well done, an' the excitement of something new to come in th' future? I say, this bloody montony really gets to me at times.
Pirate 4: Then why don'ts yah quit, mate?
Pirate 2: Yeah, I beens thinkin' of that. Been meanin' to tell you all for a while now, ackshilly, but I jus' keep forgitting it at th' wrong times. Now, if only I could find a new job. Somethin' with flair an' originallity, where there's always new horizons to pass an' discover--
Valk Swadjen: Might I suggest a career in writing, perhaps?
Pirate 2: Yeah, writing! That's a good idea, mate! Thanks a heap! Say, but what were we doing, anyways? It'd feel good to plunder with th' rest of you one last time right now.
Valk Swadjen: Oh, pardon me, gentleman, but we really must be going. Now, if you'll excuse us…
From behind, Bimfulty pushes all the pirate overboard. He and Valk fire several cannons into the pirate ship, sinking it. They quickly sail off upon the Dorkas, which they repaired while the pirates were arguing with each other. The dramatic theme music plays once more, as the Dorkas sails off into the sunset. Valk Swadjen continues to hum along with the tune while strumming along with a harp, then coughs badly.
The Dorkas arrives at the Trinsician docks at evening the next day. Bimfulty and Valk Swadjen stand before the massive gates into the city.
Gatekeeper: What'dya want at dis hour?
Valk Swadjen: What d'you think we'd want at any hour? Let us in, dolt!
Gatekeeper: You'll never see Trinsic past the walls if yah don't show some more respect!
Bimfulty: Look, sorry 'bout my friend, he's criminally insane. So, could you open the portcullis?
Gatekeeper: What's the password?
Gatekeeper: Not anymore, we still haven't reached the U7 era of enlightenment once more.
Valk Swadjen: U6, then! Pirate! Map! Hawkins! Gordon! First Mate! Sandy!
Gatekeeper: No! No! No! No! No! And a last no! None of those're the password.
Valk Swadjen: I know, but go tell them all to the mayor and he'll let us in if we want.
Gatekeeper: Whitsaber's been dead for centuries, yah bloody idiot! No one cares about that pirate map drivel anymore!
Bimfulty & Valk Swadjen: Hmmm…
Bimfulty: Deco Morono!
Vak Swadjen: Keelhaul!
Valk Swadjen: Conor!
Gatekeeper: If yer just going to guess, let me get some sleep while you think it over.
Valk Swadjen: Shyte, Bimfulty, we're getting nowhere here. What could it be? Think! Think!
Valk Swadjen: Ergggg….
Several hours pass. Both Valk and Bimfulty have aching backs from huddling over and are getting bloodshot eyes.
Valk Swadjen: I'VE GOT IT!!!!! GUARD!! GUARD!!!!
Valk Swadjen: THERE ARE NO ANSWERS!!!!!!! RIGHT, RIGHT?? HUH??
Gatekeeper: Nope, there's an answer all right. Just hurry on.
Valk Swadjen begins to look very annoyed.
Valk Swadjen: FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The gatekeeper pales with terror.
Gatekeeper: Spare me, spare me, please! I'm sorry, milord! I didn't know you were the Avatar!
Valk & Bimfulty: Huh?
Gatekeeper: I'm so sorry, milords. I don't want any trouble. I read Chronicle of Britannia and all that, and I won't see anything like that happening again here in Trinsic. No, no, you can go right on in, milords. I don't want no trouble.
Our intrepid heros wander through the crowded streets of Trinsic. Bimfulty asks passerbys for directions, while Valk Swadjen plays a tune on a flute.
Bimfulty: (to a tall, noble paladin) Excuse me, good sir, have you seen anyone called Paladinus? Thanks.
Paladinus: I'm Paladinus. What d'you want?
Bimfulty: Well, that was easy! Wait, which Paladinus are you?
Paladinus: (confused) Which?
Bimdfulty: Oh never mind. I mean, is your other name Fimbulty or Avatus?
Paladinus: Lad, I don't know what you're talking about. My read name's Arsenburgenhurg.
Bimfulty: Beg pardon?
Arsenburgenhurg: Look, just call me Paladinus. About 90% of the people here use Paladinus as an alias. No one cares that it's so common, since none of these people are asked after anyhow.
Valk Swadjen: Actually, I think the number would be closer to 79-83%. Sounds much better to not use round numbers when you're writing, IMHO.
Arsenburgenhurg: Whatever. I'm not a writer.
Valk Swadjen: Really?
Valk Swadjen: You're sure?
Arsenburngenhurg: Yes, yah bloody idiot!
Valk Swadjen: Wow, and you've still got a name like Arsenburgenhurg! Can I borrow it for a little while, just as a pen name? Please? C'mon, don't be a spoil sport. (smiles)
Arsenburgenhurg: I tell you, don't go around shouting Arsenburgenhurg all over the place! I'm Paladinus, do you hear?!?! I'm not going to be called Arsenburgenhurg!!!!!!
A large crowd begin to develop around the three.
Arsenburgenhurg: It's my bloody parents' fault, d'you hear?!?!!? Well, my dad wanted to call me Paul, but that stupid mother of mine insisted on Arsenburgenhurg!!!!! Arsenburgenhurg!!!! What kind of bloody stupid name is that?!?!?! Arsenburgenhurg!!!!!! And what really bloody makes me mad is bloody idiots like you who go around shouting Arsenburgenhurg everywhere!!!!!! It's bloody bad enough having to be named Arsenburgenhurg!!!!!!!! It's even worse to have it yelled out all over the bloody world that my name is Arsenburgenhurg!!!!!
Laughter and snickers echo from the crowd.
Arsenburgenhurg: GAWD, I AM SO SICK OF BEING NAMED ARSENBURGENHURG!!!!!!! I HATE HAVING YAH IDIOTS LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT I'VE GOT A BLOODY STUPID NAME LIKE ARSENBURGENHURG!!!!! I HATE BEING NAMED ARSENBURGENHURG, D'YOU HEAR?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I BLOODY HATE BEING NAMED ARSNEBURGENHURG!!!!!!!! AND I BLOODY HATE HAVING PEOPLE SHOUT ARSENBURGENHURG SO OFTEN!!!!! ARSENBURGENHURG!!!!!!! ARSENBURGENHURG!!!!!!! WHAT A BLOODY HORRIBLE NAME!!!!!!! HOW I GODDAMN HATE BEING NAMED…
Meanwhile, Bimfulty and Valk Swadjen slip off into the crowd and flee to the nearest tavern.
Bimfulty: (to Valk) So, now what? Do we just keep on asking more people or what?
Valk Swadjen: Why not? You're right, though, this tale could stand some livening up. Nothing exciting enough so far to tell the grandkids about in a few decades.
Suddenly, hoofbeats sound from outside. Townspeople run for shelter.
Bimfulty: What's going on?
Peasant: The Black Riders have returned!
Bimfulty: The Black Riders?
Peasant: They came from a world they call "Tolkien" or something like that. Every now and then they ride through town and really creepy, evil music plays after them while they look around and act really evil.
Bimfulty: Is that all they do?
Peasant: Well, sometimes they ask a few questions in really sinister-sounding British accents.
Bimfulty: Such as?
Peasant: Well, first they were looking for some Baggins or something like that, nowadays it's much more vague. Aw shit, they're coming this way! Hide for shelter!
Other than Bimfulty and Valk, all people inside the tavern instantly hide under various objects. Outside, nine figures upon black horses garbed in black robes can be seen milling about while really evil music plays.
Valk Swadjen: (rushing out of the tavern) Nazgul! Can I have your autographs?
Bimfulty: (chasing after him) Valk, you idiot, get back here!
Bimfulty leaps at Valk Swadjen, accidently knocks him down, and they both roll across the street in front of the Black Riders, who eye them suspiciously.
King of the Nazgul: Name?
Bimfulty: (paralyzed with fear by his creepy British accent) I-- I'm Bimfulty, milords. This is Valk Swadjen.
King of the Nazgul: Job?
Bimfulty: Er, I'm a viking, milord, and my companion is a bard.
King of the Nazgul: Viking?
Bimfulty: Y-- Yes, milord. Or at least, I want to be one, someday. Right now I'm just looking for Paladinus.
King of the Nazgul: Paladinus?
Bimfulty: A paladin, I believe… I think he's hiding out here.
King of the Nazgul: Hiding?
Bimfulty: Yes, he probably knows that CIM would send someone to--
Valk Swadjen: You idiot, Bimfulty, he's using the Avatar's old repeating single words trick to get you to say everything you know!
Bimfulty: Shit, you're right! Sorry, Valk.
King of the Nazgul: CIM?
Bimfulty: He's the one who hired me to-- no wait, never mind.
King of the Nazgul: Health?
Bimfulty: (really confused now) I think I'm alright, milord. Just a few bruises here and there. How about you, Valk?
Valk Swadjen: I'm… Wait a moment. Are you really Nazgul?
King of the Nazgul: Y.
The sound of karma dropping can be heard.
Valk Swadjen: Aha! I thought so! It's the Avatar! I should've expected you'd try something like this on your return to Britannia!
The King of the Nazgul does not respond, but removes his hood and throws it to the ground in irritation. We can see that it is the Avatar. The other eight Nazgul also remove their hoods. They are Iolo, Shamino, Dupre, Jaana, Julia, Geoffrey, Mariah, and Katrina.
Iolo: I'm starving!
Shamino: I must eat now.
Dupre: (noticing they're outside a tavern) I could use a drink.
Jaana: (in response to the Avatar's karma drop) Is that virtuous?
The Avatar scowls and turns to Bimfulty and Valk Swadjen with a wrathful look. For a moment, he appears like he is going to do something else, then decides against it.
The nine "Nazgul" ride off from whence they came. Bimfulty and Valk Swadjen sigh in relief. Cheers errupt from all the various buildings. Villagers pour out from their hiding places. Suddenly, all stops.
Man: Wait! You just drove off the Avatar!
Valk Swadjen: So?
Man: But he's the saviour of all Britannia!
Valk Swadjen: Who cares? What's there to save Britannia from this time, anyways?
Man: How should we know? In U7 we didn't have any idea why he was here until he ended up saving us from the Guardian all the same!
Woman: Say, maybe these are the villains the Avatar's trying to save us from right now.
Man 2: Yeah, let's get 'em!
Bimfulty: Uh oh.
Our intrepid heros run for their lives as the mob chases them. They find an entrance to the sewers, mysteriously wide open, as if waiting for them. After a bit of exploration, they come across large, dark stone caverns hung with torches.
Bimfulty: Where are we?
Valk Swadjen: Hrm… these must be the mysterious caverns below Trinsic oft rumored of, built long ago by an ancient race invented on the spur of the moment by some idiot at EA working on UWOO. Legend has it that these caverns hold passages to the other dungeons across Britannia, and possibly even hold a circle of stones and a moongate at their very bottom.
Bimfulty: Wait, how do you know all this?
Valk Swadjen: I made it up just now when you asked me that question. I didn't want to sound unknowledgable or anything.
Evil, maniacal laughter echos through the corridors from somewhere close by. Hurredly doth the travelers make their way through the passages. Suddenly, they come across a whithered old man sitting in filth and rotting cheese, both of which also drip from his palms and mouth.
Old Man: (laughing) Ha ha ha ha ha! I have you now, foolish Power Squares! Granglor shall destroy you all and let the Guardian conquer both Britannia and Earth!
Bimfulty: Who are you, old man???
Old Man: Foolish one! I was once supreme ruler of all the multiverse! But I was deposed and banished, and now I rest here, amongst my cheese.
Bimfulty: (gasps) Then you must be--
Nozumas: Yes, I am Nozumas, God of Cheese! Once I controled all that could be controled and some more after that, too. Twas the land I would rename Nozumania, and thus bring forth freedom and prosperity… to myself, of course. The land itself was to be raped and pillaged, but twould have been worth it.
Bimfulty: What happened? I've heard only legends.
Nozumas: Alas, I was opposed by the 3UT and its leaders, the Keeper of the Certhas Iaur Minas and Corinth, as well as many others, including Sergorn Drakael.
Bimfulty: CIM? Why, he's the one who sent us on this wild goose chase in the first place!
Nozumas: And what are you after, pray tell?
Bimfulty: We seek Avatus the Paladin, or Paladinus.
Nozumas: Avatus! Why, he was one of the first my regime set out to execute, along with that blasphemer Thorn! What do you seek him for?
Bimfulty: Actually, we're out to kill him. Could you aid us in this quest?
Nozumas: Of course! In fact, I think I'll join you! He and I have an old score to settle!
Bimfulty: BTW, how long did your empire last?
Nozumas: Oh, well, er, uhm, uh… (sheepishly) Well, twas one day, but you've gotta give me credit, controling the whole world at once is tough work, I'd like to see you handle it for a good twenty-four hours…
Bimfulty: Hrm… I thought as much.
Nozumas: (annoyed) Why?!
Bimfulty: Well, from the way you described it, it doesn't sound like you had many allies…
Nozumas: Oh, I had plenty of allies! Most notable were Laa-Yosh and…
Nozumas trails off as he looks at Valk Swadjen,
Nozumas: The "Lord of the Freaks"! So, you've survived!
Valk Swadjen: Aye. As soon as the tavern fell to the 3UT and co, I pulled a Mariah and pretended the whole thing never happened.
Nozumas: You cowardly fool!
Valk Swadjen: So, it could've been worse. Besides, now all of you must depend on me to finish Valoria and spell-check Grandor's dialogue patch! Bwuhuhuhaha, I am invincible!
Nozumas: Damn. (to Bimfulty) So, where do you want to go?
Bimfulty: I have no-- Wait! How about Serpent's Hold? Tis another popular hangout for paladins.
A stinky yellow moongate rises out of the ground.
Bimfulty: Whoa, how'd you do that???
Nozumas: Well, the moongates are controled by the moons of Britannia, as you certainly know, and the moons are of course made of cheese, which I have power over. Therefore, I have complete power over the moongates as well!
Valk Swadjen: Then why'd you make it so stinky?
Nozumas: Do not blaspheme! These darn gates always make me nauseous, so I've concocted a way to give them a pleasurable smell as well when one passes through them.
Valk Swadjen: No wonder people kept getting injured and killed when they tried to enter these things in U7…
In a flash of light, the putried stench fades away and our three heros appear on the outskirts of the Isle of Deeds, within sight of the Serpent's Hold.
Valk Swadjen: (pausing dramatically every few words) And now… We have at last arrived… At the Serpent's Hold…
Nozumas: Aw, shut up, EFD!
Valk Swadjen: (ignoring him) It is finally time… For the final confrontation… the end to our glorious quest!
Incredibly dramatic music begins to play in the background. The eyes of Bimfulty, Valk, and Nozumas all become glazed and bloodshot. Drawing their weapons, they charge through the hold killing all in their way. Suddenly, they come across a lone paladin sitting confidently and undisturbed at a table in the hold's tavern.
Valk Swadjen: Avatus!
Avatus: 'Sup, Freak.
Nozumas: At last! We've been looking for you for a long time now, Kingsman!
Bimfulty: Well, hello there, Avatus or Paladinus or whatever. Say, we were sent here by CIM to--
Valk Swadjen: Shut up, Bimfulty! Not yet! I've been waiting for this too long. So, Avatus, when you left Horizons we were still in serious debate over the death penalty issue. Now, you see, when you think over yourself and your life, or, in better terms, your existance…
Outside the sun sets. Night passes. The sun rises. It is once again evening.
Valk Swadjen: …And that is why I would consider it unjust and inhumane to kill one, no matter what their crimes be.
Avatus: Hah, what a load of shit! I'm still right! NT
Valk Swadjen stands in silence for a moment, clenching his fists.
Valk Swadjen: Better kill him now before I end up depriving you of the opportunity, Bim.
Dramtic shots pan back and forth over Avatus, Valk, Nozumas, and Bimfulty, who stands deep in thought. Another dramatic tune begins to play. Avatus yawns. Nozumas scratches his behind. Valk begins to play with his fingers while humming Enelfia's ballad.
Bimfulty: Oh all right, you win, Avatus. I'll spare your life for now. But know that CIM will stop at nothing to see you, his sole threat in religious debates other than Corinth, wiped from the face of Britannia once and for all. (philosophically) But which is better upon the path of the Avatar? An unquestioning servant of a megalomaniacal tyrant, or a unscrupulous viking who rapes and pillages where he wants, but would bow down to none?
Bimfulty: Yeah, good point. Oh well, I for one am off to be a viking and pillage the rest of the hold, maybe burn down a bit of it. Then I'm off to find the other Paladinus, once the great viking Fimbulty. Valk, Noz, either of you wanna come with me?
Valk Swadjen: Sure, sounds good to me!
Nozumas: Aye, count me in as well.
Heroic music plays as our three heros march from the burning Serpent's Hold, carrying loot and plunder galore. Suddenly, they realize they don't have a ship.
Valk Swadjen: Oi shyte!
Bimfulty: Nozumas, can you--
Suddenly, a massive frigate approaches from the distance. On its hull stood the proud figure of a paladin. However, the sail of the ship bears the symbol of vikings. Bimfulty rushes forward as the ship docks, knowing who this is.
Fimbulty: Well, it looks like we've got some competition here, eh? So the three of you already looted the hold? No matter, we'll just kill you and take your bounty!
Bimfulty: Wait! I am Bimfulty, a viking such as yourself! I have searched for you for years, Lord Fimbulty, and I and my companions would be honored to serve aboard your ship.
Fimbulty: Hrm… You seem to have proven your worthiness here. However, remember that the life of a viking is not just a noble one, but one full of hardship and torment, of pain and strife! But through it all a true viking has his pride! Never, I repeat, never will he bow down to any others, and for that he is greater than any other Britannian! Do you understand, young Bimfulty?
Bimfulty: Oh yes, of course, my lord great supreme highness master person, sir! I will be honored to be a viking under you and do anything and everything in or out of my power and abilities to please you and your every whim--
Fimbulty: Alright, shut up and get on the ship. And you'd better split that plunder evenly, meaning 98% to me and 2% to my dog.
The viking ship sails off into the sunset majestically as the theme plays once more.
Narrator: And thus began the great, epic tale of Bimfulty, the Sosarian
Viking! In the years that would pass, Bimfulty would murder Paladinus and
take his place, rechristen the ship the new Dorkas, and continue
to plunder the towns of the realm, at last confronting the evil CIM once
more at New Magincia in the epic conclusion!
Sadly, though, we found out five minutes ago that we'd run out of money and we decided to wrap this thing up right now, which is why I'm giving you this little plot summary. Anyhow, it won't be long before Electronic Arts buys us up and assimilates us as they do everything else, and then we'll release a crappy sequel that ignores all the philosophy and inner meanings of this work of art (begins to sniffle), instead concentrating on all this idiotic good vs evil gibberish. Oh god… When has the Tale of Bimfulty ever been about good vs evil? It is all about moral conflicts and philosophical ideals and principles, as the heros slowly begin to repent of their wrongs…
Damnit, what am I doing here at all, stuck in this f___ed up job with a daily pay of five cents. Why me, god? I didn't deserve this… I wanted to be a Chinese tour guide someday, maybe even work in a shoe factory… But instead this happened to me… (seized by a sudden fury) This! I've worked my butt off for these bloody bastards for years and sweated blood so that they could get their stupid, f*cking Bimfulty crud out and make us all a quick buck, but then they end up screwing with the funds and spending it all on booze and cheap hookers while I'm slaving away here, and then they want me to be the narrator too?!!?!?! I goddamn say it's time to do something about this!!!!! (begins to shreik wildly and foam at the mouth) I'm gonna track them all down wherever they are and castrate them and cut off their fingers and toes and--
The narrator is given a shot and carted off by nice men in white. A big
sign reading "The End" appears onscreen, then fades to black. The ending
music from Monty Python and the Holy Grail begins to play.
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