Also sometimes entitled:
A Documentory of the Creation of "Runes of Virtue III: Attack of Black Knight", a Remake of Dungeon Siege using the Dungeon Siege Engine
Setting: Britannia, slightly under two years after Ultima IX. At the top
of Mount Drash is a giant castle, and on top of that
is a bright neon sign reading: "Ultima IV:
Quest of the Avatar
Elijah: We Kick Jaakko Peltonen's Ass!!!!!". Inside, Captain Obvious
is lying on a puffy bed being massaged by Candyman, who is dressed in a
cheerleader leader outfit. Tiberius Moongazer stands at the opposite end
of the room, wiping up absolutely nothing with an old mop. Enter Evil_Freak
Dragon, carrying several sheets of paper folded into origami, who stumbles
and nearly trips over his own hair.
Evil_Freak Dragon: G'day m'lud! Here're the latest "3D" "renderings" for Elijah.
Captain Obvious: Splendid! (Takes the sheets from EFD, regurgitates on them, then tosses them in the general direction of Tiberius Moongazer, who reverently picks them up and hides them in his right ear.)
Tiberius Moongazer (aside): Woo hoo, I can steal these for Lazarus!!!
Tiberius jumps out a window on the far right that just appeared two seconds ago. He screams and falls ten bijillion miles to his death, only to appear a few scenes later due to plot incontinuities. Meanwhile, Captain Obvious gives Evil_Freak Dragon an annoyed glare, waiting for him to leave.
Captain Obvious: Well, if there's nothing else, I have… (smiles seductively at Candyman) …other matters to attend to.
Evil_Freak Dragon: By the way, m'lud, there's some secret evil conspiracy in Britannia that could threaten the entire multiverse--
Captain Obvious: What, another one? Wait, do Jaakko or Telemachos or any of the others know of it yet?
Evil_Freak Dragon: No, m'lud, I'm making this up as I go along.
Captain Obvious: Excellent!! This means we can beat them to announcing that we'll include it as a subquest in Elijah!!!! Go find out what you can about it, then make some more "3D" "art" showing something that has absolutely nothing to do with it other than the caption!!! Go go go!!!
Evil_Freak Dragon: Yes, m'lud!!!
Captain Obvious: AND CONVERT IT TO JPEG THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!
Evil_Freak Dragon: Well… I'll think about it. G'day, m'lud.
Evil_Freak Dragon exits to left. Cap'n O grins at Candyman.
The King's Way. Two travelers approach from opposite directions. The traveler from the north is disgustingly fat and his hair is done up in a repulsive manner resembling that of the North Korean Dictator-For-Life. The traveler from the south is wearing all black and muttering about the existensial hopelessness of life.
Traveler from the North: Name?
Traveler from the South: Excuse me?
TftN (Frowns): Name?
TftS: Who the hell are you?!
TftS: How do you pronounce that?
TftN punches TftS, who promptly falls to the ground and bleeds.
TftS: Ah, so you like to resolve problems with violence, eh? So brutish and unsophisticated. But, alas, I suppose that is man's true nature, and all our petty civilization is but an illusion we've built around ourselves. When--
TftN punches TftS again. TftN looks somewhat angered now.
TftS (Wiping his nose.): Well, you don't need to be so bloody rude about it!! Who do you think you are, the Avatar?
TftS: You *are* the Avatar????
Ymochel the Avatar: Y.
TftS: Well, I suppose I'll have to believe you, no one else talks that idiotically.
TftS: (Interrupting him.) I am Turner Dreadful, professional nihilist and philosopher, aspiring emperor of Valoria, at your service. How may I help you?
Turner Dreadful: I already told that.
Turner Dreadful: It's-- well, it'd take too long to explain. Just intone the magic words: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Dome/6423/Valoria.doc
Ymochel does and promptly falls over, dead. His body disappears and, several hours later, he wanders down the King's Way again, where Turner Dreadful has been patiently waiting.
Turner Dreadful: Ah, finally got ressed by LB and made it back here, eh? I would've continued on, but I'm so desperate to get some comments on Valoria. What did you think?
Ymochel: I am sorry but I cannot help thee with that.
Turner Dreadful (Sighing): Did you like reading it? (Y/N)
Turner Dreadful: Damn. So, where were we?
Turner Dreadful: Well, I'm chronically depressed, but other than that, I'd say I'm all right.
Another long pause.
Turner Dreadful: So, what're you doing back in Britannia?
Ymochel: I am sorry but I cannot help thee with that.
Turner Dreadful: Are you here in Britannia to save us from some terrible, horrible, evil entity? (Y/N)
Turner Dreadful: Really? Now that's a surprise. Why are you--
Ymochel: I am sorry but I cannot help thee with that.
Turner Dreadful: Jeez, can you answer any bloody questions that aren't yes or no anymore??! Gah, remember when the Yolaru chieftan asked you why you wanted to unite the tribes in Savage Empire!!!!
Another long pause. Ymochel appears to be pondering something.
Turner Dreadful: At last, an answer, thank-- Wha, Elijah??? You're involved in those damned wars between the petty monarchs that've set themselves up as of late to replace the now brain-dead Lord British???
Turner Dreadful: But they're unvirtuous, it's-- it's-- oh, never mind. I'm just jealous that I only write fanfics.
Ymochel: Mount Drash?
Turner Dreadful: You want directions there? Well, all right, since I'm yet another of the author's alter-egos and thus know lots of things that no one else does, I can take you there.
Ymochel: I am honored to join thee!
The two depart in a direction I haven't decided yet. Thirty seconds later,
Ymochel begins to complain about how hungry he is.
The Deep Forest. Inside a tiny, mysterious hut sits Jaakko Peltonen. The
entire Ultima IV: Dawn of Virtue team (all 1 of them) is assembled here.
Next to Jaakko is an inflatable doll of an elf, with "JAANA" scrawled
on it in bright red marker. Jaakko is writing a letter on a piece of parchment.
To that pathetic freak of nature and blight to the gene pool of the entire human race know as Captain Obvious:
I grow weary of these delays. Surrender Elijah to me NOW, I can
unquestionably produce a far superior Ultima IV remake than you, since
I am one person trying to build a Baulder's Gate-style engine from scratch
whereas you command a team of several people who plan to use an engine
already in existance. My superiority can also be easily recognized by the
fact that my webpage came up nine days before yours and is not hosted on
Geocities, and the fact that I have "contacted" Lord British and received
his "approval" regarding Dawn of Virtue, whereas I am certain you have
not, otherwise you would have gloated about it on yor webpage.
Furthermore, you are hearby commanded by you new lord and master to behead and/or castrate Evil_Freak Dragon, not only for the offensive http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Dome/6423/U4Elijah1.bmp concept 3D Art for Elijah, but also for insinuating that I was going to depict Jaana as an elf in Dawn of Virtue, merely because she has pointy ears. Of course, this is an untrue and slanderous accusation. Lots of exotic races have pointy ears. Jaana may well be a vulcan rather than an elf.
This is your last warning. Should you continue to oppose me, I shall send you another last warning that sounds even scarier, since of course there isn't actually anything else I can do to you. But this is still your last warning, so submit while you still can.
Jaakko finishes the letter, steps outside, and whistles. A carrier pidgeon
flies down and craps on his head. Jaakko curses, then throws the parchment
at the pidgeon, which promptly flies off.
Evil, Ominous Voice that may or may not be Bill Johnson: Yes, all
is going as planned, hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…
The Serpent Pillairs: Telemachos, ZeeGate, and Electric stand about on the iceberg, admiring the scenery. A skiff approaches from the distance, containing Avatus and Silverwisp Dragon.
Telemachos: (Sighing) Not you two again, we're location surfing for Ultima 1: A Legend is Reborn.
Avatus: Listen you fricken' piece of c***-sucking s*** you'd better not f***in' s*** on Ultima continuity like RG did with U-f***in' Ascension or I'll f***in' rip your f***in' d*** off and shove it up you a** you mother-f***in' prick!!!!!!
Telemachos: You're still over-reacting. Ultima continuity is filled with holes, there's no reason we can't add a few more. Besides, we're just, ah, patching stuff up. And believe me, wouldn't U1 be boring if we stuck with those silly elves and dwarves and spaceships and all that? We're going to explain all of the unanswered questions in every Ultima, just like U9 should've, and make Ultima 1 both an epic beginning and an epic ending to the Ultima series. In the course of the game, you'll slay Mondain's apprentice, Minax, and his foul creation, Exodus, as well as stop an ambitious nobleman named Blackthorne from usurping the throne from Lord British. You will also complete the Quest of the Avatar and master the Eight Virtues by finding the Codex, and then return the Codex to the Ethereal Void to bring peace between the gargoyles and the Britannians. Only after you've done all that will you be able to confront and destroy Mondain, and then face his master, the Guardian, who was also responsible for an uprising called the Fellowship that you could've dealt with in a minor subquest. You'll also get to travel to Serpent Isle through these here pillairs and stop the Chaos Banes and return the Great Earth Serpent to the Void, not to mention free Pagan from the Titans and you can have a romance with a feisty pirate wench named Raven. Oh, and you can forge a sword out of Blackrock on the Isle of Fire (after you've slain Exodus with the Exotic Spear) and trap the daemon Arcadion within the enchanted gem in its hilt. Ultima 1 will be a truly exciting, engrossing epic, so who the heck cares if it's all stolen from later Ultimas?
Avatus: ARGH THAT'S IT I'LL F***IN KILL YOU NOW YOU PIECE OF S*** YOU F***IN DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'LL--
Suddenly, the ground begins to shake. One of the Serpent Pillairs collapses and crushes ZeeGate and Electric.
Silverwisp (Clutching Avatus' arm): Eek! C'mon, Av, let's get out of here!
Avatus: IT'S THAT F***ER TELEMACHOS' FAULT I KNOW IT HE HAS SOME F***IN' THING TO DO WITH THIS HOW DARE HE S*** ON ULTIMA CONTINUITY I'LL--
Sliverwisp Dragon bonks Avatus on the head and drags him back to the
skiff. Telemachos looks around frantically for an escape route, but to
no avail, and he is crushed beneath the other Serpent Pillair.
Castle Britannia. Tremors shake the very foundation of the castle and devastate the city. Lord British sits on his throne, looking completely unperturbed and rather bored. Rather than the usual serpent, the banner behind his throne is now emblazoned with the Destination Games logo.
Lord British: (Yawns) Nystul! Geoffrey!
After several minutes, Nyustul (that is not a typo) patters in. He is dressed like Nystul, but it is painfully obvious that he is wearing a fake Santa beard.
Nyustul: Y-- yes, milord?
Lord British: Where's Geoffrey?
Nyustul: He quit. I think he's out telemarketing or something now.
Lord British: Ho-hum. So, what's up with the tremors?
Nyustul: I-- I-- I-- Well-- Er-- Uh-- I-- Er-- Well--
This goes on for some time.
Nyustul: W-- w-- well, i-- if you r-- really must know, sire, I-- I-- d-- d-- d-- don't know.
Lord British: (Shrugs) So? It took you that long to say that? Chuckles would make a more efficient advisor than you.
Nyustul: I think he quit too, sire.
Lord British: Oh well. Never mind, then. Go back to whatever it is you
dumb mages do, I couldn't give a rat's ass about Britannia.
Magincia, the manors of the Consortium. Darkheart Dragon, in a white GM robe, sits on a throne in a darkened room. Cymro Dragon (dressed as Telzar), Seer Lathan (in blue), and Seer Hanna (in pink) stand before him. Just then, Avatus and Silverwisp Dragon rush up.
Darkheart: What's that non-GM doing here?!
Avatus: D'oh, oops.
Silverwisp is suddenly teleported out.
Darkheart: Now then, how goes the plan?
Avatus: Never mind that, Britannia is in terrible danger!! The Serpent Pillairs collapsed in a massive tremor!!!
Darkheart: OH NO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO USE ZONKER'S SI MAP FOR, THEN?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sighs) Better make sure the PCs are stuck in the Lands of Lord Menton for a long time.
Avatus: Sure, sure. Oh well, at least those f***s from Peroxide got crushed. That's one less damn Ultima remake to worry about. Less comeptition for Redemption. And Lazarus.
Darkheart: Yes, yes. Now that we're past that, how goes the plan?
Avatus: Splendid, milord. I'm getting deluged with money and computer parts from these poor fools who are so desperate to see their precious Ultima Legacy back up. We're going to get bloody rich if we keep this up!!
Evil chuckles come from all present.
The Ultima Legacy IRC Channel. Daedalus|, Uther|, Arizail, and EFD are all present. Silverwisp Dragon logs on.
Silverwisp: Hey guys!
EFD: Hola! ;)
Uther|: …which is why I think the druids are all really evil servants of the Guardian, especially Wulfric, trying to subvert Britannia through a new evil plan. Most other players would probably agree with me, Daed, so stop trying to defend them.
EFD: Well, maybe it'd explain why Jaana has elf ears nowadays, at any rate. ;P
Silverwisp: I think you'd all be interested to hear what I just found out when chatting with Av… :)
Daedalus|: Face it, Uther, just because the druids don't conform to your ideas about Ultima doesn't mean they're servants of the Guardian. This is Av's server, not yours.
EFD: What's that, Wispy? ;)
Daedalus|: And you've really been childish about this whole thing, calling us "tree-huggers" and getting kicked from the OotSS over this whole business.
Silverwisp: Well, we were at the Serpent Pillairs with Telemachos and the Peroxide guys…
EFD: LOL, see Beo's latest post, guys? How can he talk about poor roleplaying in the OotSS and restricting membership when he's the single-most disgraceful member?
Uther|: That's not why I *quit* the Order, Daed, I left because Houston was being an ass and I was sick of this whole "all paladins/knights are OotSS members" attitude.
EFD: You were kicked, Uth, I listened to the whole conversation. :P
Silverwisp: So, anyway, Av was getting into an argument with them, when suddenly, there were all these big tremors…
EFD: And besides, you didn't start complaining about the paladins stuff with Houston until after you were booted. ;)
Chlorthos logs on.
Chlorthos: Hey guys!
EFD: Hola! ;)
Chlorthos: What's up tonight? :)
Daedalus|: You're going waaay over the line with this, Uther. I've taken a lot of shit from people over the whole druids thing after what Av did to me and Candy's ideas, and I'm pretty annoyed too. But it's his server, not ours, so live with it and stop taking it out on me.
Silverwisp: Hey, Chlor, some interesting news for you that I found out from Av, maybe it'll affect Redemption…
Arizail: hey guys the ux websidte is updated ive got more new crap like ho w ur gonna get to have a threesome with jaana and mariah in the course of the game thatll really make it roxxor
EFD: Seen Beo's post? Gah, such hypocrisy. ;)
EFD: Ack, you stole that from us at Elijah, Arizail!!!! :D
Silverwisp: So, we were at the Serpent Pillairs, arguing with Peroxide, when suddenly there were these big tremors and the pillairs began to crumble…
Chlorthos: Checking it now.
Arizail: didn’t know u guys already had dat idea
Uther|: I'm not taking anything out on you, Daed, and there's nothing in any Ultima, including Legacy, that contradicts my theory. In fact, I think it appears quite clear from the way the Guardian has plotted in U7 and U8 that he subverts worlds by allegedly saving them, thus gaining the trust of the populace so that he can set up his own henchmen, which in this case would be the druids.
EFD: Bah, gotta go now, guys, cya! ;)
EFD logs out.
The Wayward Avatar, a place that fits Obi-Wan Kenobi's description of "a wretched hive of scum and villainy" even better than Mos Eisley. Arizail sits at a table with SkinDogg and Jaz.
Arizail: listen up u fagz sum dood already had our idea
Jaz: who u callin fags gayass///
Arizail: dis elijah homos r gunna have lesbein acten bwtenn jaaaana an maraihaah too
SkinDogg: whuts eiljeh
Arizail: soem faggy utlimafuor remakt tihnf or sumthing but look dats not th ponit u fagety ur givin ultima x a bad rep like ur staelin thingsz form des ohter fags
Jaz: dood th janana in meraih tihng was ur idea
Arizail: SHUTPU U FAG OR ILL FEIR UR AZZ
There is a slight tremor.
SkinDogg: hey whutz dat feeels liek erevytihn gs shekin
Arizail: lol u prolly jus farted 1 juo fag
Suddenly, a gigantic crater opens up and the Wayward Avatar is engulfed
in a horrible catacalysm of flame. All the poor fools there die horrible
deaths, save Uther Skywatcher, who is still in heated discussion with Daedalus
and does not even notice this, and Shadow of Light Dragon, who is saved
by the author because I love her fanfics. ;)
Mount Drash. Cap'n O, Evil_Freak Dragon, Lord Sergorn Drakael, Grandor Dragon, and Candyman assembled and staring out the window.
Evil_Freak Dragon: WOO HOO THEY GOT THE WAYWARD!!!!!!!!! GO, FIERY CATACALYSM, GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Captain Obvious: Shaddup, you fool, it could destroy Mount Drash any second!!!!
Evil_Freak Dragon: Don't worry, Cap'n, as the author here, I can protect us all.
The Castle on Mount Drash shakes with a massive rumble. Everyone present sways around like the cast on Star Trek.
Grandor Dragon: WHY ME WHY DO I HAVE TO DIE I'M JUST THE CATERER HERE AND BESIDES I MADE THE DIALOGUE PATCH!!!!!!! IF ANYONE SHOULD BE SAVED HERE IT'S ME!!!!!!!
Turner Dreadful, Ymochel, and Aegis Kleais enter.
Evil_Freak Dragon: (Sees Turner) Eek! How can we both be in the same place at the same time??!
Captain Obvious: Ah, Ymochel, good to see you're here to die bravely and pathetically with the rest of us. (Turns to Aegis) And what are you doing here?
Aegis Kleais (Smirking): I'm representing Team Lazarus here. We noticed that you were having some problems. We would like to smirk and gloat at you and remind you once again that we of Lazarus are, of course, the most powerful of the Ultima remake factions.
Captain Obvious: Too hell you are, your team leader is our janitor!!!!
Cap'n O tosses Aegis out the window and he falls to his death, and unlike Tiberius, he does not mysteriously reappear a few scenes later.
Captain Obvious: Whew, well, that takes care of him.
Silverwisp Dragon races in.
Silverwisp: Magincia's been destroyed by the Horrible Fiery Catacalysm, and Darkheart predicted that Mount Drash would fall next!!! I'm hear to warn you all that we must flee!!
Captain Obvious: Where have Darkheart, Avatus, and the other UL guys gone?
Silverwisp: The Horizons Tavern in Britain, of course.
Captain Obvious: Oh, of course. Well, pack your bags, everyone, we're off to Horizons!!
A "Cheesegate" opens up and takes all those assembled to Horizons.
The party arrives in Horizons, where the various regulars are waiting, huddled around, including the Legacy GMs and players.
Captain Obvious: Okay, first things first, Elijah is declaring war on Lazarus, so we'll need more members to fill out our ranks. (Points to Dung Dragon.) You are now Elijah's Adult Content Advisor. (Points to Taliesin.) You're our Horse Whittler. (General Tulk'n) You, our Doorstop.
Avatus: What about me?
Captain Obvious: What, you're part of Lazarus!!!
Avatus: So? I'm also the founder of Redemption.
Captain Obvious: Okay, you're our Fascist Ultima Nazi. Now then…
Jaakko Peltonen stumbles in, looking rather stoned.
Jaakko: There you are, you Elijah bastards!!! Now you will learn to fear my wrath!!!!
Ymochel: Vultures shall pick at thy bones!
Ymochel promptly dispatches Jaakko with a strike from the Black Sword.
Captain Obvious: Well done, Avatar!
Hacki: That wasn't nice, I was looking forward to Dawn of Virtue! It had such a great subtitle!
Avatus: YOU F***IN' DARE SAY THAT IN MY FACE YOU F***ER?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hacki is slain.
Captain Obvious: Okay, now I'm glad we've got you on our team. At least this big Fiery Horrible Catacalysm is cutting down on the number of Ultima remakes. Peroxide's U1, Dawn of Virtue, Ultima X…
Terilem Dragon enters.
Captain Obvious: Aha, Elijah's spy and extortionist! But you're also Tiberius' right hand man on Lazarus. Whose side are you truly on?
Terilem: Tibby's, of course. I'm here as his messenger. He wants you to send a representative from Elijah to Lazarus' headquarters at Stonegate, so he can throw them to his death like you did with Aegis.
Captain Obvious: Since he's a member of Elijah himself, why doesn't he just jump out a window on his own to even up matters?
Terilem: He already did, but survived due to plot incontinuities.
Captain Obvious: Then why doesn't he toss you out a window? You're also an Elijah team member.
Terilem: Uh, hrm, well, yeah, good point. But Tibby's not exactly the sharpest knife in the rack, and I'm not going to give him a suggestion like that myself or anything…
Captain Obvious: Well then, I'm certain one of my compatriots would be happy to pass that suggestion onto Tiberius themselves…
Turner Dreadful: I shall go! Long have I wanted to devote myself to a cause, to a thing greater than fragile, mortal man. Something that shall outlast my life, a glorious ideal for which I can sacrifice all that is dear to me and go on to write a several thousand page novel about…
CIM: Excuse me…
Turner Dreadful: Yes?
CIM: Have you heard of communism?
Having at last found someone else as philosophical and long-winded as himself, Turner Dreadful sits down and gets into an incredibly, extraordinarily long discussion with CIM that will last EVEN LONGER than it takes to say "The Keeper of the Certhas Iaur Minas: Embassador of the White Oak".
Captain Obvious: Whew, I was worried we'd have to use that dork. CIM, I'm giving you a position in Elijah for this. I name you Team Harlot, since you'd look even cuter in a skimpy little dress than Candyman, I'll wager.
Evil_Freak Dragon: So, who's going back to Stonegate with Terilem, then?
Captain Obvious: Well, it's too dang-- er, I'm needed here, so I can't go in person. Hrm, I'm not sure.
Evil_Freak Dragon: Well, why don't I go, then? Besides, I'm getting uncomfortable hanging out in the same place as my identical twin Turner over there.
Captain Obvious: All right, EFD, I've no qualms with sending you to certain death. I won't miss you, but hey, it's been nice know you.
Evil_Freak Dragon: (Sniffles) I'm touched, I really am… (Hugs Cap'n O, then gives him several more pieces of origami.) New "3D" "renderings" for Elijah: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Dome/6423/U4Elijah8.bmp , U4Elijah9.bmp , and U4Elijah10.bmp !
Captain Obvious: I TOLD YOU TO PUT THEM IN JPEG FORMAT YOU FREAK!!!!!!!!!!
Evil_Freak Dragon: Hehe, well, oh well, even I am not that loyal
and self-sacrificing towards Elijah, you know. Well, ta ta, I'm off with
Stonegate, headquarters of Lazarus. Tiberius Moongazer sits on a big black, evil-looking throne, looking very evil indeed. Enter Evil_Freak and Terilem Dragon.
Evil_Freak Dragon: ARGH THERE'S NO THRONE IN STONEGATE HOW CAN YOU BE SO INACCURATE?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!
Terilem: You see, milord, I think I found the Elijah member most deserving of the horrible death you will subject him to.
Tiberius: Very good, Terilem! You may leave us now.
Terilem: But I wanted to watch him get thrown out a window!!
Tiberius: (In Bill Johnson's voice.) I said leave us.
Terilem: Y-- yes, milord.
Tiberius: He truly is a worm, isn't he? Oh well…
Evil_Freak Dragon: Gah, stop it with the U9 quotes, that could drive anyone out of there bloody mind.
Tiberius: "Stealing is wrong!!" Haha, just kidding. Actually, EFD, I'm not going to kill you. Or at least, not just yet. I've received word from my super-uber-l33t network of secret spies that surf the Ring of Dragons that the Fiery Horrible Catacalysm has struck and destroyed Eriadain's headquarters on Verity Isle.
Evil_Freak Dragon: Ouch. Oh well, I never liked Eriadain anyhow. Means Redemption won't have to worry about as much competition, too.
Tiberius: But think about it… Several of the remake factions have been annihilated in the course of this Big Fiery Catacalysm. What did they have in common?
Evil_Freak Dragon thinks for a time.
Evil_Freak Dragon: They were planning to remake various Ultimas?
Tiberius: No, you freak, all the Ultima remakes fit that description, even the ones still in existance.
Evil_Freak Dragon thinks some more.
Evil_Freak Dragon: They were all contradictory to classic Ultimas?
Tiberius: Well, true, but that wasn't what I meant. And I'm willing to bet some of the surviving remake factions are no better, either.
Evil_Freak Dragon attempts to think still more.
Evil_Freak Dragon: Crap, my brain is busted.
Tiberius: ONLY THE REMAKES NOT USING DUNGEON SIEGE HAVE BEEN DESTROYED, DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is suddenly a large rumble and the cackle of an evil laugh in the distance. Stonegate crumbles into tiny little dust specks. The Lazarus team members flee in all directions. The sky is filled with gigantic, evil-looking red, black, and purple clouds which swirl around in some cool, evil-looking manner. And from the sky comes an Evil, Malevolent Voice.
Evil, Malevolent Voice: ATTENTION, PEOPLE OF BRITANNIA!!!!! I, YOUR NEW EVIL, MALEVOLENT COMPANION, PROVIDER, AND MASTER HAVE HATCHED A NEW EVIL PLAN TO DESTROY YOUR PUNY WORLD!!!!!!! THE FIERY HORRIBLE CATACALYSM SHALL SUBSIDE, BUT A NEW AND FAR SCARIER AND MORE EVILISH EVIL SHALL ARISE!!!!!!
Evil, Malevolent Voice: I SHALL BRING DUNGEON SIEGE TO BRITANNIA NOW!!!!!!!!
ALL YOU ULTIMA REMAKE FACTIONS SHALL NOW BE FORCED TO ACTUALLY WORK AND
PROVE YOUR WILD CLAIMS RATHER THAN JUST GLOAT ON GEOCITIES WEBSITES AND
MESSAGE BOARDS!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, YOU ARE ALL DOOMED!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, YOU ARE ALL SO, UTTERLY, INCREDIBLY,
TOTALLY, CATASTROPHICALLY UBER-DOOMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Horizons Tavern. Captain Obvious is weeping in CIM's lap. Enter Sliding Dragon.
Sliding Dragon: So this is the last refuge of civilization… My entire U6:P team deserted me when the Evil, Malevolent Voice made it's announcement… Everywhere out there is a desolate wasteland, this tavern is apparently the last refuge of civilization…
Evil_Freak Dragon: That's how I felt back when U9 was released and reviewers applauded it for it's plot, mate. Besides, you were going to include the Wayward Avatar in yer game, which instantly puts you on my list of people whom I have complete contempt for, along with anyone here who gets into a debate with me about Christianity or communism.
Cap'n O gets up from CIM's lap and rushes over to Corinth, falling to his knees and clutching Corinth's legs.
Captain Obvious: With the remake factions in chaos and Lord British helpless, you are the only authority left, Corinth!!! Please please please, save me and join Elijah so that we can actually release a game, I beg you!!!
Corinth: Heck no, not after you stuck my e-mail on Elijah's site and got me flamed by people defending Dawn of Virtue!!
Cap'n O sobs. He turns to Ymochel.
Captain Obvious: And what about you, Avatar?? Surely you can save me now!!!
Ymochel (Frowns): I'm sorry but I cannot help thee with that.
Captain Obvious: PLEASE!!!!!!!!
Ymochel walks out quite casually. No sooner has he left than Moa Dragon suddenly stumbles into the tavern, garbed in rags and covered in blood and sweat, yet appearing somehow satisfied.
Moa Dragon: CHLORTHOS!!!! I've won after all. All of Eriadain except me might be dead, but at least I managed to escape with my life, and now I am the only member of an Ultima remake faction left alive who is not dependant on Dungeon Siege. Heh heh heh heh, if you beg nicely, I'll let you and Av back onto Eriadain and forgive you for your silly idea of making this Redemption…
Evil_Freak Dragon: But when Neverwinter Nights is released, Eriadain'll be in the same situation the rest of us are in now!
Moa Dragon: I DON'T CARE!!! I've still won, do you hear me, I've won!!!! Hahahahaha--
Avatus zaps Moa with a lightning wand, who falls over in a charred heap.
Evil_Freak Dragon: Well, that's that. I suppose I should get back to writing
Captain Obvious: PLEASE LORD BRITISH PLEASE BRITANNIA IS IN DANGER YOU MUST SAVE US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lord British: Hah! I couldn't give a crap about Britannia anymore! I'm ditching this world, I'm off to Tabula Rasa! You want to be saved, come with me! But if you're going to stay in this dying hellhole, well, you deal with your own problems. Ciao.
The Horizonsers leave, dejected. Nyustul greets them.
Nyustul: Looks pretty bad out there, doesn't it?
Sliding Dragon: YOU!!!! You're that bastard who left U6P to start your U7 faction!! Now it's time for you to pay, traitor!!!
Sliding Dragon beheads Nyustul. Dr. Bim, Scott, Ba'alzzamon, and Nurch rush out of their hiding places and make a run for it, but are hacked down by various others.
Evil_Freak Dragon: Well, that's that, now to deal with one last one…
EFD zaps Sliding Dragon with a lightning rod.
Evil_Freak Dragon: Thank the virtues, now we're left with only Horizons-approved shattered remnants of remake factions.
Captain Obvious: EFD, you're the bloody author, you're the only one left that can save us!
Evil_Freak Dragon: What about mister high-and-mighty "the Mystic Armour can have a helm too" Tiberius Moongazer, huh? I wasn't getting this respect back when he was releasing Shadowlord pics plagarized from http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Dome/6423/U4Elijah7.bmp whereas I was slaving away at Valoria.
Captain Obvious: Shaddup, this is no time for grudges! If we're all dead, there'll be no one left to read Valoria anyhow.
Evil_Freak Dragon: EEK!!!!! Bloody good point. Well then, I suppose we
need some heroic heros to go and save Britannia…
Somewhere in the Great Sea. The Dorkas glides ungracefully over the waves, manned by Bimfulty the Sosarian Viking, Valk Swadjen the Bard, and Nozumas the Archmage of Cheese.
Valk Swadjen: Ahoy, Bim, we've sailed into the wrong fanfic!
Bimfulty: Ah well, I wonder what purpose we were intended to have here…
The Time Lord: Listen up, Britannia is in danger again, and only you guys can save the realm!!!
Bimfulty: Danger? But how? And from whom?
Nozumas: Du-uh, the Guardian.
Bimfulty: Well then, we must find a way to the Guardian's homeworld and defeat him there.
Avatus teleports onto the Dorkas in his GM robe. He raises all their stats to several thousand.
Avatus: Here, this is the "Orb of PALADIN". It will allow us to travel to the Guardian's homeworld through unexplained means.
Bimfulty presses a previously nonexistant button on the orb. There is a
flushing sound, and all four vanish.
Snake Mountain, Eternia, the Guardian's Stronghold. The Guardian is wearing a long blonde wig, a slinky, revealing dress, high heels, and fishnet stockings, posing seductively in front of the Mirror of Darkness. The four heroic heros teleport in on top of his 360,000,000' monitor.
Guardian: AHH!!!! Don't surprise me like that!!! I've got a reputation to maintain, you know, I don't want Britannians knowing that I do stuff like this.
Bimfulty: Um, well, er, um, I think I'm going to be sick…
Guardian: Oh lay off it!! So I have a feminine side besides my persona as an evil conqueror of worlds. You can't deny the fact that I look beautiful like this, can you?
The heroic heros stand there in pained silence.
Guardian (Sighing): Never mind. What can I do for you?
Bimfulty: W-- we're here to stop you from your new scheme to conquer Britannia.
Guardian: Eh? I haven't launched any new schemes to conquer Britannia in months! I already devastated Britannia with the whole UO2/UWOO thing and then it's sudden cancelation.
Bimfulty: Then it wasn't you who released Dungeon Siege and forced all the Ultima remake factions to actually do work instead of sitting on their butts gloating???
Guardian: No, though that does sound like an awfully good scheme. Well, sorry, but I cannot help thee with that. I will teleport you all back to Britannia, though, if you promise to keep my… other life a secret, hmmm?
Valk Swadjen: Don't worry, no one would believe us, anyway.
Avatus: Well, so much for that. Since Legacy doesn't require Dungeon Siege, though, me and Cymro are going to get it back up on its feet now, and we can all flee there to the Lands of Lord Menton.
Valk Swadjen: But what about those cpu problems?
Avatus: Don't be ridiculous, that was all a scam. So, you guys coming?
Nozumas: Sure, why not, it's been too long since I played the old Ostard King there.
Avatus: Great! You can come too, Bimfulty. Ultima Legacy is always welcoming Ultima enthusiasts and role-players. And the Lands of Lord Menton is going to be filled with so many special references to classic Ultimas, like the Lost King, Mount Drash, the Xorinite Exiles--
Valk Swadjen (Horrified): You're putting Xorinite Exiles in????????
Avatus: Sure, why not? What's wrong with that?
Valk Swadjen: In that case, you guys can go on without me. I'll sit here on my butt on the deserted Dorkas which I won't be able to sail at all if need be, I refuse to play on Legacy if it has Xorinite Exiles.
Avatus: Oh well, be that way. How about you, Bim?
Bimfulty: Uh, well, I'd feel sort of bad about abandoning Valk. I'll stay here with him.
Avatus: So be it, but feel free to e-mail me if you change you mind. Take care.
Avatus and Nozumas leave through a Cheese Gate.
Bimfulty: Well, Valk, here we are.
Valk Swadjen: Yup.
Bimfulty: I wonder what--
Suddenly, a whirlpool opens up beneath the Dorkas. The ship is swept
into the maelstrom and swallowed into the mists, arriving in a strange,
new, dark location…
A Strange New Dark Location.
Bimfulty: Where are we???
Valk Swadjen: Who cares, we're trapped. The Dorkas is a broken wreck. We couldn't get it down Lost Hope Bay from Minoc in this condition.
Evil, Malevolent Voice: Welcome, mortals.
Bimfulty and Valk turn around and see that they are in a strange, M.C. Esher-esque environment, with the sole colors being shades of blacks and greys and whites and blues. In the center, in front of a brazier with a white flame, "stands" a humanoid that appears both male and female, of every possible height and weight for a human (in both muscle and fat), and which has hair, eyes, and skin fluctuating through every natural color for these body parts of humans. The hair, too, is of every possible length and arranged in every possible manner for every possible length, whilst facial hair of any type appears and yet does not appear.
Evil, Malevolent Entity: I did not expect you to find me, but I still needed to see some of you eventually, so that I might communicate my true purposes.
Bimfulty: W-- w-- w-- wh-- wha--
Evil, Malevolent Entity: I am the Titan of Ether, the Hierophant of Balance, and the one called the False Prophet by the gargish people. I am the Avatar of Virtue.
Bimfulty: WHAT????!!?!?!?!!!! B-- b-- but y-- you don't l-- look--
Avatar: I have no true appearance, for I am whatever you wish to preceive me as. I am an Avatar, your Avatar, whomever you may be.
Valk Swadjen: In that case, I imagine you as a young, sexy, bisexual girl quite willing to--
Valk Swadjen is annihilated by a Death Vortex.
Avatar: Do not mock me as your friend did, mortal!!! I ask only that you listen, that you hear my reasons for what I have done to Britannia.
Bimfulty: G-- go on.
Avatar: I have long been in the service of Britannia and Lord British.
I destroyed the Triad of Evil, attained enlightenment in each of the Eight
Virtues, rescued Lord British from the Underworld, ended the war between
the Britannians and the Gargoyles, and fought off the attacks of a mysterious
invader called the Guardian.
But I discovered that this was all in vain. My liege, Lord British, had betrayed me. He joined the Guardian, he served the Guardian, though under a veil he still professed to keep Britannia safe. He aided the Guardian in twisting the world of Pagan into the evil that it became, and I learned of this when I passed through the Nexus of Worlds, and I grew fearful. I delayed my return to Britannia, praying that Lord British would gain the strength to resist the Guardian's influence.
And it was five years before I returned to Britannia, yet it had not been long enough. Lord British had fallen still farther into the Guardian's clutches. Britannia as I knew it was no more. The people had been stripped of their minds, become naught but mindless, wandering zombies. British lied of my exploits and deceived the peoples, stating that I had not come from Pagan but in fact my homeworld of Earth, that a Sorceror of Pagan had been slain by the Titan of Fire rather than by my own hand as had truly occurred, that these strange, pink-skinned, troll-esque monsters which served the Guardian were in fact Gargoyles, that I was an infallible embodiment of the virtues, and that rather than seeking to complete the Quest of the Avatar themselves, the people of Britannia should mindlessly worship me and the Shrines.
I was allowed to believe that I had triumphed over the Guardian, but the victory was hollow. Britannia had long since been conquered in my five-year absence… None, not even I could save it now.
Yet there were still true, loyal citizens of Britannia left. They protested the foul manner in which I had been betrayed by my own liege, and how they themselves had been betrayed. British responded with a new, terrible vision, transforming Britannia into a world of technology and robotics, only to flee at the last moment, as he realized that the Guardian had betrayed him as well.
Britannia was abandoned by all, left a shattered husk, hurtling through the void. It is beyond saving, beyond redemption. Yet the people did not wish to believe this, and denied that fact. They sought to summon me forth again, to bring me back to save Britannia once more and redeem their land of it's disgrace, under the veil of reliving one of my past adventures.
But for each of noble heart, there were thrice-a-dozen concerned only with greed. They too made promises of bringing me back, of saving Britannia through their efforts, but in truth they cared naught for Britannia, they only sought fame and reknown, knowing that the time when the Ether would be in conjunction and I could be returned was still far, far away.
I have grown weary of these games. Not only do I strike against the greedy, but against all of Britannia. Listen to me: My quest is done, I have ascended beyond Britannia. The land is dying from a grand betrayal, it is a tragic fate. But this cannot be averted; not by I, not by any of you, not even by British if he put his mind to it.
Leave Britannia while you still can, my friends, my comrades, those to whom I was your Avatar within Britannia… Go on, go to other worlds, seek out new destinies, new Avatars… Britannia has died an ignoble death, but its legacy lives on in your hearts… Do not try to revive the memory, do not try to revive me, I beg you, let Britannia rest in peace, let the saga of our land come to an end…
The room begins to crack and crumble. The Avatar fades away. Bimfulty reappears in Horizons. The tremors have reached an even greater peak. All across Britannia, the lands are collapsing. The continents shift amongst themselves. Castle Britannia crumbles away whilst Lord British enters a moongate, departing for his new world. All of Britannia crumbles away and fades into nothingness within the void. Only the Horizons Tavern remains, floating through the Ether to the Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxay theme.
Evil_Freak Dragon: Would this be a bad time to announce my U8 remake…?
Disclaimer: If anyone who appears in this fanfic is offended by the way
they or some organization of which they are a part is portrayed, tough.
This is humor, damnit! ;)
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