Ascension: The Way It Really Went

By HK Dragon

            Hello, this is my first Ultima fanfic. I really hated Ascension and I really hated the way the avatar looks. Also there are a few jokes on the 80's, which was the time Ultima had started. There's also a joke on a bookI'm trying to write. (btw, it's called Sean's Amazing Afterlife Adventure). So good luck and grab some popcorn and read on.

            (Doomsday (uh wrong book) late 1999, the Avatar, is asleep in his bed and a weird voice wakes him up)

            Avatar (getting out his wine bottle of very expensive French wine): Okay buddy, this house ain't big enough for the both of us!

            Hawkwind: Hold on dude! It's me that guy behind those damned sleep fields, Hawkwind!

            Avatar: Okay, sorry. (stuffs away wine bottle) Okay, so what's up?

            Hawkwind: Let me see, you gotta go back to Britannia and save it. Guardian taken over, evil columns, yadda yadda yadda…

            Avatar: No fair, HK Dragon told me I was gonna die in the end!

            Hawkwind: Did she also tell you she's gonna get a clone for you in the sacrifice?

            Avatar: Okay, good, I'm only 32. Who's the clone?

            Hawkwind: She just casts a clone spell and in the end pays you 1,000,000 bucks.

            Avatar: GREAT!!

            Hawkwind: Have I mentioned it was in yen?

            Avatar: D'oh! Oh well some money is better than none. (The Avatar gets up from bed and walks out the door, getting some stuff with him. He doesn't dress and doesn't care.)

            Hawkwind: Hey, your clothes!

            Avatar: So, who cares? It isn't as explicit as the Frigidazzi or the Lucilla scene!

            Hawkwind: True, but decency counts?

            Avatar: Nope, not here. (He ties his hair in a pony tail, but realizes that something is missing!) Hey, where's my long prutty hair?

            Hawkwind: Origin gave you a hair cut making you look like a certain Nazi I've seen before, I can't remember his name though.

            (Suddenly, HK's friend, Fritz the ghost, comes out wearing a black officer's costume and yells at the avatar in a thick Austrian accent)

            Fritz: Hey, what the hell are you doing with my hairstyle and looks?

            Avatar: I have your hairstyle, I have your eye color, but I'm not as handsome as you are. Origin had to make me uglier.

            Fritz: (smiling) Good, at least I still am the cutest guy on earth!

            HK to Fritz: You're not, Di Crapio is.

            Fritz: Damn him! By the way, did you call him crap?

            HK: Yes, Fritz. (tries to hug him, but goes through him) Damn!

            Fritz: I hate being a ghost!

            HK: At least you don't age.

            Fritz: You have a good point.

            Avatar: Hey! Wait a minute! What should I do?

            HK: Go answer the stupid virtue questions, you know the code. Next, to the moongate. Fritz and I will wait for you.

            Avatar: Thanks.

            (Fritz and HK use a Tsurani device and teleport off.)

            Hawkwind: Okay, back tot the game. You need to do as HK tells you and then you need to start a very sucky tutorial where I voice over, then I go with HK and Fritz for a 7-11 blue slurpee.

            Avatar: Damn you! Why do you get a slurpee and I don't?

            Hawkwind: You will get one after they install the clone.

            Avatar: YESSSS!!

            (The Avatar walks off to the gypsy's wagon. The gypsy is sitting there like an imbecile doing nothing.)

            Avatar: Hey it's you again!

            Gypsy: Actually, no. I'm the granddaughter of the one in Ultima IV.

            Avatar: I don't like you, Portia.

            Gypsy: My name isn't Portia, it's Magda.

            Avatar: D'oh! Anyway, the questions?

            (Gypsy shuffles something that looks like tarot cards, but isn't. She puts down a question on the rack.)

            Gypsy: In one year, how many dates did you have? 1 to 5, 6 to 11, 11 to 16, 17 or more, or I rape sheep?

            Avatar: I don't do dates and plus I never did anything to Frigidazzi, however, I still remember Roberto…

            Gypsy: Hey, wait a minute! (she looks at the cards) oh no, these are the crappy lines for a date test!

            (She takes out the correct cards and they finish business as fast as possible. The Avatar ends up being a ranger.)

            Gypsy: Okay, Avatar, you're a ranger, so get out and do your thing.

            (The Avatar leaves and sees the ghost of Sean Brooke)

            Avatar: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

            Sean (panicking): What?

            Avatar: GHOST!!!

            Sean: WHERE?!

            (Avatar points to Sean and Sean faints)

            Sean: Corpse! NO! I'M STILL YOUNG!!

            (HK appears)

            HK: Hey, Sean, you come from another story. Get back in my book!

            Sean: Sorry. (vanishes, HK disappears.)

            Avatar: Ok, I go to the moongate.

            (He reaches the moongate and sees a really ugly monster with multiple eyes.)

            Avatar: Hey this game's got cool 3d effects! (sits on grass and eats a pack of popcorn)

            Hawkwind (annoyed): Earth to Avatar! Kill the damn gazer!

            Avatar: I am on Earth!

            Hawkwind: Defeat the monster.

            Avatar: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

            (The Avatar does a karate kick and the gazer dies)

            Avatar: Too easy.

            Hawkwind: That's because you opened your backpack, you ass!

            Avatar: Origin sure has it's compassionate moments. (He grins)

            Hawkwind: Aaaiiiiieeeyyyaaa! *Note: This is Hong Kong way of saying 'Oh no!'*

            (The Avatar goes through the gate humming Bizarre Love Triangle way too loudly)

            Hawkwind: This is not an 80's game, you dolt!

            Avatar: I don't give. (He goes through)

            (Blackthorn and Guardian are arguing about a pastrami rye sandwich)

            Guardian: You fool, I'm hungry!

            Blackthorn: Well, I'm famished!

            Guardian: You're on a diet, you fool!!

            Blackthorn: Dammit, I already fasted for 100 years! Besides, I already have my lean trim figure back! It's your turn to diet!

            Guardian: D'oh!

            (Blackthorn greedily eats sandwich.)

            Blackthorn: So what's the plan, Big Red?

            Guardian: Don't call me that!

            Blackthorn: Nose, then.

            Guardian: DAMN YOU, BLACKTHORN, DAMN YOU!!

            Blackthorn: So what, I ain't calling you Big Red.

            Guardian: Sorry, okay, the plans are that we destroy Britannia and in the end kill the Avatar. We also make the citizens unvirtuous. In the end of this, HK gives us 1,000,000 dollars and we become millionaires.

            Blackthorn: Actually, the currency is yen, mind you.

            Guardian: D'OH!!

            Blackthorn: Also, she threatens that if you don't change your body looks, she'll deduct 50,000,000 yen from you.

            Guardian: Double D'oh!!

            Blackthorn: So those are the plans, right?

            Guardian: Oh yes, you're excused.

            Blackthorn (singing): I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky! I should be so lucky in love!

            Guardian: DO NOT SING THAT KYLIE MINOGUE SONG AGAIN!!! You are excused.

            Blackthorn: Okay, bubye! (singing) It's a crazy situation, my heart is close to breaking…

            Guardian: Lay off the singing! (thinks a for a few minutes) Hey, he called me Nose! Come back here!

            (The Avatar is in Stonegate)

            Avatar: Phew, nice ride, nearly got killed by a madman, but okay.

            Hawkwind: Ok, welcome to Stonegate. Get the stuff and jump the obstacles and you're done.

            Avatar: Okay. (Does everything and is at the door.) Well?

            Hawkwind: I abandon you and you find your way out.

            Avatar: Hey, that ain't fair!

            Hawkwind: I need my slurpee and you need your money. Also you need your clothes.

            (Avatar looks down and slaps his forehead.)

            Avatar: D'oh!

            (Hawkwind grins and sings Genie in a Bottle which really annoys HK)

            HK (from out of nowhere): Quit it! I heard it more than once!

            Hawkwind: Sorry. (then sings Beautiful Stranger)

            (HK slaps forehead and Fritz and Hawkwind follow her to get a slurpee)

            Avatar: Wait--

The End

            Well folks, this is the first part, tune in next time for the second. E-mail me for comments at

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