Ultima IX:
Rumble in Britannia

           Camera moves through a dark room to a table where a group of ruffians sit. They are playing cards, smoking and a cheesy 70's music is playing on a jukebox in the background. The ruffian at the head of the table is the Guardian, beautifully rendered as we imagine him, but with eye patch, cigarette and knuckle busters on.

            Blackthorn (Played by Joe Pesci, who looks like a weany little thug dressed in a black earth suit pipes up): "Ya know, he's really gonna be pissed when he finds out you've kidnapped her"

            The Guardian (blowing out a puff of smoke and smiling): "I'm counting on it Blackthorn"

           Blackthorn looks to a corner where a young girl is tied and gagged. She has a frightened look on her face.

            The Guardian: "He won't hold out on me when he knows I have her..."

           Suddenly, a deep metallic music theme of Stones plays and the jumbled words of "Ultima IX: Rumble in Britannia" one by one slam into the screen. The credits roll away as the death metal version of stones play then when it fades away, the camera cuts to a scene inside the Avatar's bedroom on earth. The floor is littered with beer cans, cigarette butts, it's a filthy mess. Clothes are strewn everywhere.

           A phone rings, and the Avatar (Played by Arnold Swarzenegger) answers "Hullo?"

           Scene cuts to LB's throne room, where LB is wearing a business suit, (Played by Bruce Willis) and holding a cell phone: "Hey buddy, how ya doin?"

            Avatar: "I will live. My wife left me and is filing for divorce after she heard about Nastassia and I, and thanks for bringing up such a sensitive f---ing subject.

            LB (laughs): "Still blame me for Nastassia's death eh?"

            Avatar (In typical arny style): F--- you a--hole, what the hell do you want?

            LB: "Well buddy nice to hear from you too, hey don't get all self righteous on me, yer the one that went back to Earth instead of coming here to give us a f---en hand ya know!"

           Avatar stands up and puts the phone on speaker. He walks across the room, displaying his huge muscular frame. He is wearing a Tank Top with an ankh sewed onto the front. The top is covered with stains. "Get to da point. Why do you want?"

            LB: "The Guardian is back ya know, he's got local thugs taking over neighbourhoods all throughout Britannia, honest merchants can't make a decent living without "hiring" his thugs to "protect" them. Most of my guards are on his payroll too."

            Avatar (searches through clothes for a full beer can): "And let me guess, you want me to do yar dirty work for ya and kick his ass out of Britannia?"

            LB: "Yep, if ya want..."

            Avatar: "No, forget it, I'm retired now...get Shamino or Iolo.."

            LB: "But you're the Avatar?"

            Avatar: "Forget it, I ain't comin back to work for you no more..."

            LB: "He has your daughter..."

           The Avatar turns and glares at the phone. "I have a daughter?"

            LB: "Yeah, seems Nastassia had hid her hidden when she was born. She was scared the Guardian would have killed her to get back at you. She was partially right. He has her kidnapped. He's demanding that you face him and fight him like a man. I'm sorry buddy, if you don't do it, he's gonna kill her"

           The Avatar looks furious. "F--- him!!! F--- them all"

            LB: "I'm sorry..."

            Avatar: "Yah I bet you are. I will contact the Gypsy. I'll be there soon."

           The Avatar hops onto his computer and sends an email. Some more action music starts up as the Avatar hits a button and a huge wardrobe opens, revealing an arsenal of weaponry, ranging from bazookas, to handguns through to russian assault rifles and machine guns. The music continues to play to the sound of Arnie locking and loading weapons. Strapping them over his back. Filling his backpack with Grenades and strapping bullet belts over his shoulders. The Avatar rubs his stubble, lights a cigarette and takes a deep puff. "Okay "Avatar", time to save your daughter..."


           The Avatar pulls up in the park, the back of his four wheel drive is loaded with explosives and heavy weaponry. The Gypsy is leaning against her pickup truck as the Avatar walks over. "I need ya to get me to Britannia now."

            Gypsy: "Hey sweetheart, ya know it's gonna cost you!"

           Avatar throws cigarette on ground and rubs it out. "How much?"

            Gypsy: "5000 bucks, standard price."

            Avatar hops into vehicle and starts the engine. "I'll owe you, put it on my tab."

           Gypsy looks indignant. "You still f---ing owe me for the last two trips!"

            Avatar: "I'll bring back some gold bars this time, LB will owe me big time for this!"

           The Gyspy sighs and then waves her arms, a giant moongate opens. The Avatar drops the clutch and skids up the ground as he drives the vehicle into the moongate. The camera shows the moongate on the other side as the vehicle flys through the air in a typical slow motion Hollywood style, lands heavily on the ground and tears through the forest toward Britain.

            The Avatar screeches to a halt outside LB's castle and jumps out. He removes a set of dark sunglasses and puts them on. Several peasants carrying baskets full of bread watch inquisitively. Suddenly a man , dressed like a ranger, steps out of the crowd, it's Shamino, played by Chris Tucker (The black guy from Rush Hour.)

            Shamino: "Hey bro!" Gives the Avatar the typical ghetto greeting.

            Avatar: "Hey! Sham-i-no!!!! Good to see you buddy!"

            Shamino: "Hey, I hear he's got ya daughter. I'm for ya bro, just call me, k?"

            Avatar: "Perhaps I will. I need to talk to LB right now, shall I catch you later?"

            Shamino: "Sure thing! Seeya round!"

           Avatar enters the dining room where Lord British is feasting at the head of table. A stereo sits nearby, playing classicial earth music such as Mozart and Chopin.

           LB gestures to the Avatar with a knife. "Hey buddy! Good to seeya. Please join me"

            Avatar: "I'm not hungry now *old friend*. Just tell me if you have any leads on finding the Guardian."

            LB (wiping mouth with pure cloth apron): "Well first of all, there's these giant columns that have sprung up."

            Avatar: "Sprung up?"

            LB: "Well, built overnight. The Guardian's nightclubs. The exotic dancers inside are keepin the populace of the virtue towns in there 24 hours a day, it's bad for the economy."

            Avatar: "I'll take care of it..."

            LB: "And the shrines are f----d, they don't..."

            Avatar: "I got it. I'll fix them, now tell me where I may find an employee of the Guardian?"

            LB: "At the night club Column, outside of Despise, the bartender there..."

           Before he can finish the Avatar walks from the dining room and out of the castle. The camera shows the Avatar entering the column, it's a tall red cylinder that rises high into the sky. 90's rap music is playing on the stereo as the Avatar enters the smoke filled bar. Several bouncers dressed in Wyrmguard outfits watch him suspiciously from a corner. Behind the bar rests the corrupted rune of compassion. The Avatar confidently approaches the bartender.

            Bartender (played by that guy out of Deus Bigallo): "Hey stranger!! What can I get ya?"

           The Bartender suddenly notices the Ankh on the Avatar's shirt "Oh shit..." and turns to leave.

           The Avatar grabs the bartender by the neck, and he responds: "Ow Ow! Hey! What's your problem...OW!!!"

            Avatar: "I want to speak with the Guardian, I need to setup a meeting with him"

            Bartender: "The...who?"

           Avatar squeezes his grip and the Bartender crys out: "OKAY OKAY! I can arrange a meeting...ow!!! Sheesh."

           Bartender composes himself. "Ouch! Come back tomorrow I'll see what I can do..."

            The Avatar turns to leave and the bartender crys to the Wyrmguards: "It's the Avatar!! F--- him up!!!!"

           The Avatar turns to glare at the bartender, who has a smug look on his face as the Wyrmguards surround the Avatar with guns and knives. "Hey bartender, I promise to kill you last!"

           The bartender laughs. "Yeah sure virtue boy. Kill him guys"

            Suddenly, music very similar to the Matrix music where they do that big slow motion fight scene in the lobby at the end starts playing. The Avatar goes into an over the top kung fu fighting style, breaking necks and turning the Wyrmguards knives in on themselves. The music continues to play as a Wyrmguard pulls out two hand guns and open fires on the Avatar who jumps sideways, in slow motion, pulls out an Uzi and cuts through about 6 Wymrguards.

            More fighting and neckbreaking as the Avatar blows away the last of the Wyrmguard. All the patrons have run screaming from the Column and the bartender cringes in the corner screaming: "Don't kill me! Don't kill me!"

           The Avatar grabs the glyph of compassion, walks from the Column and speaks. "Remember when I said I'd kill you last?"

           He spins in slow motion with a Bazooka and aims into the column entrance. "I lied...."

           He fires and the bartender screams. The Column is rocked by a series of explosions as it tumbles and collapses downward. The scene shows the Avatar walking toward the camera, in slow motion, flames and explosions rock the background as the Column tumbles down. The Avatar is unconcerned as flames and rubble fly past him.

           The Avatar hops back into his four wheel drive. "Oh well, guess I will just have to enquire harder at the next column. At least now the mindless f---s that live in Britain should be more compassionate."

           The Avatar looks at the rubble. "One down, seven to go."

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