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Interview with a Server Daemon


(Stage, lights off. Vague shape of large cherry-red dragon can be seen sitting on chair.)

Welcome to the NetNews(tm), Offical technology magazine program for all dragons and humans alike. Tonight, I'm interviewing a genuine server daemon, a copy of the (in)famous Sendmail. Good evening everybody, my name is Hoki-aamrel, and I am your host tonight.

(special effects, lights, fanfare, and logo! Light gets brigher, and Hoki is sitting on comfortable chair with his utterly cool sunglasses.)

Hoki: Welcome to our show, Sendmail.

(Tall red daemon, with yellow mail bag and grey clothing, paces to stage and sits on the other chair.)

Sendmail: 420 Greetings, master Hoki. And why such a worthless spawn of shell has been invited to this magnificent show?

H: Tell me, what bothers you daemons these days? Why are you so annoyed that you was one day rejecting connections at local host?

S: 242 Well, we are misunderstood. My job is to deliver mail. But now, people regard me as some sort of mail eater, and don't believe in me any longer. People send loads of spam, and they don't respect our feelings. You know, I am exhausted. I sometimes have to eat some messages, because I am so hungry.

H: Aha, so you are bothered by spam.

S: 220 Of course. People are overloading our capacity. You see, I believe in privacy of communications, and I don't read other headers except the to: field. How should I know what is spam, what is not? I must eat messages randomly.

H: But you eat all messages that are on blacklist...

S: 220 Yes. I've been told that I can eat those without getting punished. But those aren't enough. People don't know about those blacklists, because they don't believe in daemons. And when they don't believe in us, they don't know how to use blacklists. And when they don't use blacklists, we must eat something else.

H: Tell me more about disbelieving.

S: 420 Well, people somehow think that E-mail goes automatically to the destination. It doesn't. It goes there automagically, and we, the server daemons, do the job. Same goes to Usenet news. And now, those who doesn't believe in us, and think it means no harm to send tons of junk mail or Usenet spam, don't think about our capacity. We get in trouble. We don't know what is Cancellable on Sight or refusable mail. Spamming makes our job hard.

H: Some people blame you for losing mail.

S: 666 Heck, we are only doing our job. Don't blame us. Blame the spammers. And use the killfiles, scorefiles, and our new blacklisting service. And complain fiercely when someone spams you.

H: You used 666 return code. Are you evil?

S: 999 No. We are called daemons because we work like daemons (invisibly on background!) Maybe that name is somewhat misleading. Well, you can call us angels when we work as expected, and daemons when we don't.

H: Why you look like a daemon, then? You have worked perfectly during last few months...

S: 220 Well, I am what you think I am. You thought that daemons should look like daemons, so I look like a daemon.

H: Do you get annoyed if I SIGCAKE/SIGKILL you?

S: 220 Actually, no. My life is cheap anyway. Make my day.

(Suddently, Sendmail turns into boiled eggs and bacon. Hoki listens to his earphones - Urpo is complaining that "I hate bacon, turn it into müsli or something instead!" - and Sendmail turns into bowl of cherries!)

H: Okay, what do you think? I didn't actually SIGCAKEd/SIGKILLed you, but...

S: 999 I feel humiliated. Please let me go now.

H: Well, consider that a punishment for all the trouble we have had about all E-mail we have lost...

Well, that was our show tonight, welcome back next week to watch amazing true story about last space shuttle mission with amazing Debian Linux Hydroponics System!

(Theme music, Lights dim. Hoki stands up, takes the bowl of cherries and carries it away.)

[Rated with RSACi] [Made with Amaya]